Every day that goes by, I find myself becoming more grateful for where I am I emotionally at this point in my life, especially considering everything I have been through. If you would have asked me in January if I thought I would be as stable as I am now, I would have laughed in your face. Depending on my mood when you approached me with this question, I may have also unfortunately given you a colorful, albeit not nasty or offensive, explanation as to exactly why I was laughing.
I left my ex and everything I owned behind in December last year. What it really was, in all reality, is I escaped with my life and the clothes on my back. I reached a point in the abuse where there was no longer time to plan and prepare for my departure. It came down to dropping everything and not looking back.
The first day out was surreal, and I could not reconcile what was happening to me. How could this be happening? How could I be so stupid and blind that I didn’t see this coming? Where am I supposed to go? And if I wasn’t walking around in a daze, I was having panic attacks every time I blinked. The worst part of that first day, though, was him calling me at work threatening me and trying to get me to leave work early because I “had something I needed to handle.”
What did I need to handle? I was supposed to go home take my beating like a good dog and most likely allow him to dole out the worst and final punishment he could. I panicked. No, I had a nervous breakdown, at my desk, in front of several people who were also having trouble reconciling what was going on with me that day. How could this seemingly happy and relaxed woman lose her mind? No one there had a clue, and when I received the last call from him and hung up the phone, I snapped.
It wasn’t a very endearing moment in the eyes of the girls at work, I am sure. This normally composed, jovial, prankster was anything but. When I approached my supervisor, she was blind-sided, but I had nowhere left to go. I spent the rest of that afternoon filling out the paperwork for and obtaining a signed emergency order of protection. I spent the next several weeks acting fairly neurotic, like only sleeping during the day when someone was with me for the weekend. At night, I would pace the bedroom, door locked, lights on. Every so often I would stop and peer out the blinds wondering where he was and hoping he wouldn’t come looking for me. I became super sensitive about my privacy and what few possessions I owned.
I was told by people who had been through domestic violence that it would take me a long time to figure out who I was again. But I have not found that to be true. All those switches I had to flip and shut myself down started coming back on by themselves. I have been criticized by some people for this, and I cannot understand why. The way I see it, I have suffered enough to last me the rest of my days on this earth in this system, and there is no benefit in me perpetuating that suffering and being miserable. I have my freedom back!
Today was a good day. Good. How inept that is at describing anything I feel at this moment? Jehovah already saw me through the worst point in my life and got me out. Then He surrounds me with what seems like a million and one people who have been integral in my progress emotionally and spiritually. I would not have come this far without Him or any of those people he gave to me. Before today, I already have an overwhelming amount of debts that I can never repay to Jehovah for everything he has done for me.
Today was overwhelming, but in a wonderfully marvelous way. I spent the day at an Assembly, and after everything I am finally back to where I belong. It hit me today: I am home. I am surrounded by people who love me. I no longer have to live my life in fear. And then I realized I was crying. Jehovah is gracious and giving, and to all of you whom he placed in my life at just the right moment, I overflowed with love for you. I overflowed with gratitude, peace, happiness, appreciation, and respect.
I simply overflowed.