That nasty little monster deep within me has seemingly reared her ugly head once again. She lies dormant for years at a time, and then when I am experiencing the most internal upheaval possible, she unwittingly asserts herself in the recesses of my brain where she festers and takes root in the shadows. It starts out as a feeling of being ill-at-ease when I first notice her presence. Although, I can never put my finger on exactly what is going on within me. Already unsettled, this really is most unwelcome to me. I have always been fairly content, so when I become twisted and dissatisfied for no reason, it’s unnerving to me.
I am already up to my neck trying to figure out who I was before Kevin, who I actually am now, and who I should be. Everything is turning out the opposite of how I expect it to: things I would have sworn would be true aren’t, and things I am learning about myself, even the parts of me the past four years did not manage to erase, are all complete surprises. I feel like I am lost, just drifting further out with nothing to cling to for security. And now that old, familiar yet unfamiliar feeling has overwhelmed me again. I spent the entire weekend trying to figure out what was causing me to obsess so much about… nothing yet something, maybe everything all at once. And I am growing so tired of this cycle.
The last time I felt like this, I ended up enrolled in college and in classes within a few weeks. The college had to work overtime, at my insistence, that was almost driven by desperation, to get me registered and enrolled in classes just days before they were to begin. The time before that, I picked up and moved into an apartment with barely enough saved to cover first month’s rent and security. The time before that, I randomly called an airline and booked a flight to Japan, and a few days later went to visit the parents to tell them I would be gone for a few months. When they asked when I was leaving, and I told them it would be the following day (hence my visit!), they were shocked and interrogated me about why I did not tell them sooner. Because I just decided to go. There were no plans, no forethought… I just did it. I woke up one morning, and I pretty much said time to go.
*Sigh* Every time I made a decision that seemed unplanned and rash, this nagging feeling was there driving me, compelling me to just do something, anything. Get up, get out, move along, and be done with it. Some people seem to cycle through friends and significant others in this manner, but it isn’t the people that I need to change. I have no problems having the same people in my life consistently. I can’t even really say it’s the scenery that needs to change. But I need a change never-the-less.
I know my living situation is less than desirable. Really, I feel like I am back in that cage I just left months ago, and it is driving me mad. He is not here, yet he is, and I just want to shed it off me and be done with it. Yet that is not the only thing I want to change. Just don’t ask me to explain what it is yet.
I need to be able to sit down and think about what it is specifically I get out of these rash decisions I make to change things so drastically and so suddenly. I am definitely not in a position to make one of these decisions with the situation I currently find myself in. Anything on the scale of what I am used to taking on could be disastrous for me at this point in time, simply because in the past they always depended on the availability of financial resources to be successful.
The problem with analyzing it? I am too restless now. I am agitated by it, and I just feel the need to get up and go. Whatever I get in my head in weeks to come, I know it will be much akin to rushing headlong off a cliff and then thinking that maybe I should have looked for another way down.