CONTENT FLAG — TRIGGER WARNING
I try so hard to avoid this place. Nothing good can come of it, just blurry flashes of him, darkness, phantom sounds, and finally blackness. A hole in my memory, repeatedly churning around in my brain and playing out against my will as I attempt to get something vaguely familiar called sleep. How I detest this, if I could only remember and make it go away. I am not the kind of girl to have a hole in my memory. My memory is very long, detailed, vivid. I remember sounds and smell things on cue. I feel old emotions. I even can recite conversations I had in elementary school, in their entirety. But I can’t remember this, and sometimes I wish I couldn’t remember you.
This would be the first time I was afraid you were going to kill me. There you were hours later, so mad at nothing that I thought every vessel in your head would burst. Pacing, eyes darting about the room, accusing me of betrayal, lies. More of your threats. She brought me home, you know this fact is unmistakable. You were standing in the window when I got out of the car in the side driveway and closed the door. I was greeted by the stiff, cold night air and crunching snow as my weight shifted. As I crossed in front of her headlights, she turned up to you in the window and waved, but you just stared down into the darkness. I looked up and saw your silhouette standing eerily still in the window, your face blacked out in shadow. You stood motionless, until, I assume, you positioned yourself to watch me walk around the back of the house. You waited in the hall for me to come upstairs.
My heart dropped to the floor. My breath caught in my chest. That old familiar sinking feeling of impending doom where you attack me after entertaining your delusions and letting them fester so long you believed they were real. I didn’t know what to tell you as you interrogated me a million different ways, trying to force me to say something that just wasn’t true. You saw me get out of the car that she was driving, so you know very well I was not dropped off out front by a mysterious stranger so I could sneak my way back into the apartment.
Back me in into the corner, go ahead and give me the beating and get it over with. No, this time you chased me around the apartment, spouting foolishness, and I feared you so deeply at that time I wished desperately for you to vanish into the darkness. Into oblivion. Go off and leave me be. Stop torturing me. I wished I never met you.
I didn’t bend to your will, and you reached out, I thought to sting my face with your open hand, maybe a fist. As the words “Just hit me already and get it over with” swirled around desperately in my head, I waited in expectation of the burning impact, but instead you grabbed me and dragged me down the stairs into the darkness. A light snow danced through the twenty degree air. You had on a navy fleece pullover, and I sat trembling (more from fear than cold) in the passenger seat without a coat.
It would be advantageous if you watched where you were going, considering you are doing 90 m.p.h. but you are too busy screaming at me like a madman and punching me in the head so hard it bounces off the window. How surprisingly strong that glass is. Thankfully it didn’t break out and end up in my eye, not that you’d let me go to the ER for that either. You’d rather see me bleed to death than face jail time for being discovered. If you’re willing to dish it out, you should claim it like a man.
You don’t even know where you’re going, you just search for something like a lunatic. How did we end up out here in the woods? Guess you found the perfect spot. I’m trapped. I can’t call anyone, because you left the cell phone in the apartment. You’d probably beat me if I tried. You pull off the side of the road and shut off the car. Do what? Get out of the car? No. Only, you didn’t like that answer, so you ripped the key out of the ignition and jumped out of the car, slamming the door behind you. As a reflex, I quickly slammed my hand down on the lock and fumbled to release the seat belt. You leaned in toward the window, an inch from the glass and waved the keys back and forth in front of me. I had only made it part way over the center console before you ripped the door open, dragged me out around the back of the car and threw me down on my legs onto to the frozen pavement.
After you pushed me down in the middle of the road, you walked back to the car hurriedly and opened the trunk. I remember the moonlight gleaming a brief flash off the chrome as it descended to your side, but I was unable to make out what you had concealed out of my view. The trunk slammed shut. I jumped and tried to back away, but you picked me up off the ground with your left hand clenched tightly around my arm.
“I’m going to kill you and dump your body in those trees right over there, and no one will ever know what happened to you. Your family won’t look for you, and by the time they find you, I’ll be long gone. The animals will eat you before anyone tries to find you.” Tears freeze on me cheeks. You mock me as I beg you for my life. I’m worthless. Nothing. Everyone would be better off without me you say.
My memory fogs up and clears intermittently. You push me back down into the road. Bits and pieces flashing before my eyes like changing TV channels. Scuffling against the pavement. You’re yelling at me again; you are always yelling at me. As you walk up to me and raise your right arm behind you, I finally get a glimpse of the object you wield in your hand and the moonlight flashes down the length of the metal bar. The last thing I see before my memory blacks out for the last time is the tire iron beginning to make its descent. I can still feel the cold pavement against my legs but I can see no further. Everything disappears into the blackness. I don’t remember anything past this. I don’t remember getting in the car or the car ride home. I don’t remember going into the apartment or going to bed. My memory can’t reveal what happened the next day.
What happened that night? Who are you? Why have you done these things to me? I try desperately to jog something that I can’t remember, but I don’t know why I want to. Just darkness, sounds, and flashes plaguing me at night. I can’t reconcile 36 hours of my life. The abyss is as deep as your actions are evil. You have robbed me of continuity. You have robbed me of sleep. I can’t bear to go there again and watch it play out, but it’s 1 AM and I need sleep.
If I could remember and get this out of my head. Please just get out of my head. Jehovah God, my God, please take this from me.