16 comments on “Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be

  1. “and everything that happened in my life at the hands of others… I held on to my intelligence and reasoning… and the memory of love.”

    My life in your words. I always kept logic and faith alive. I did not accept any negativity and gave it back in full swing. Most importantly, I did not believe their in-depth vocal observations on my life and my soul..Deep down I always knew that they are wrong and I am not this person that they think I am.. I am good and I deserve the best

    • If people used a little restraint and thought before speaking, things would be so much better, so much easier. If people exercised self-control before acting, think of all those who wouldn’t be hurt? There is no reason for anyone to lash out and be negative, hateful, cruel, or injurious in their speech, thoughts, or actions to anyone. It really is indicative of how selflish they truly are, and even though we may know this in our heads, if you are on ther receiving end a lot, it’s hard to battle against becoming indoctrinated into their ignorace. I am just relieved that my mind is strong enough to overcome that. And yours as well. Thank you for your comment, Deepa 🙂

  2. When armies of persecutors, or even a persecutor that seems as powerful as an army, try to break you down, the account at 2 Kings 6:11-17. Elisha and his attendant found themselves surrounded by “horses and war chariots and a heavy military force.” The attendant was terrified! But Elisha was completely calm. Why? Because he knew that ‘there were more with him than those who were with them.’ You have a lot more going for you than ANY person could ever take away. You’re strong, intelligent, and beautiful inside and out. There isn’t a person who can ever change that, so don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise! 🙂

    • Why Kerwyn, i believe you made me blush! I told you that I can’t take compliments well, and you put three in a row? 🙂 It’s almost too much for a girl to take… Notice I said almost!

      Your comments are always so thoughtful and kind. It’s just further evidence for not only me, but more importantly Jehovah, that you have a loving heart. You are a wonderful man, Kerwyn Hodge. You make MY heart rejoice! 🙂

  3. What a courageous woman you are. I love your blog, and your resources. I’m going to share this…
    This was me too:

    “I almost believed that if I could somehow become everything you wanted, the same way all your female friends were to you, that you would stop. That you would stop the punching and kicking and slapping and screaming and insults and threats and belligerence and anger and control and oppression and domination. And the more I tried, the worse you became, and I woke up, and I realized, that it wasn’t me you felt was inferior… It was yourself, and you somehow thought that by doing these things to me this would change.”

    Hallelujah, WE WOKE UP!!!!!

    • Thank you visiting my blog and sharing it on your page. In the beginning, I was a little timid about spilling my life across these pages so publicly for everyone to see. However, I feel true healing comes in us when we reach back to those who are trying to escape their abusers and help them stand again. Putting my vulnerability out for everyone has been a challenge, but it has helped my healing process and motivated me to continue to help others do this.

      You know, I have read stories of women (and even some men) who managed to somehow make it through 10-20 YEARS of abuse before getting out, and I cannot even imagine how they did this. I struggled so to make it just four years, and I believe had I NOT woken up and left, I would have died. Something strange was going on with him the last night I was there. Had I stayed home from work that day or left early like he harassed me at work to do that morning, I truly believe I would not be here now.

  4. Sweetmarie, I am so glad you broke away from the cell of torment and abuse you lived in. There are many types of abuses, but to me it seems soul crushing words take the deepest roots in our hearts.

    • I had someone tell me that if they were able to choose between physical and verbal, they would take the verbal abuse because they didn’t think they could handle the trauma of constantly being in fear of losing their life or being severely injured. What they don’t understand is that use of words to abuse someone is far more insidious and cruel. Rather than causing welts, bruises, cuts, and breaks that heal in time, the verbal abuse seeps deep into our heart and forever changes how we see and feel about ourselves. Their insults and judgments become trapped in our minds, and some days it is a fight to ignore it. It is the abusers’ very ability to use words in this manner that allows them to gain control so they *can* also move on to include physical abuse. Because they know once we have lost our value, esteem, and sense of worth for ourselves, we will take just about anything.

      My response to this person was simple. I told them since I had lived through both and was ever put in a situation where I had to choose one of the other, I would pick physical abuse without hesitation. The wounds heal, the instances blur, but you never… ever… EVER forget the words. Even now, I can remember everything he said to me.

  5. What an inspiring story. Your writing is evocative, you are very talented. If only more people were as brave as you speaking out about such a low point in your life then others wouldn’t feel as alone in similar predicaments. Mel

    • Mel,

      Thank you visiting and following my blog. I came here looking to share my story and heal and also maybe help others do the same in the process. We search each other out, I think, to get the support we need but to also be able to say whatever it is we need to say, however we need for it to come out. Lately, I have tried to keep what I write a little less negative but still providing the same result as when I first started… hoping that the difference will help those who read my blog to feel encouraged to leave, to confront horrible experiences they may be trying to hide from, or to let them know that there is *always* someone there who can identify with them and will respond to them when they reach out.

      Perhaps the hesitation to speak out comes from the time the suffered the isolation and are fearful that if they do speak, no one will believe them, no one will care, or they will be blamed. All too often, this is unfortunately the case, and this is a big obstacle. I found WordPress because someone who is an integral part of my life (Kerwyn) has a business blog I follow. He encouraged me to speak out when I was ready. It took me a few months after leaving to build up the gumption, but I had to remember something: I already did the *HARD* part… I left!

      And in typical Amy fashion, once I start it, I do not stop. 🙂 My ex cannot scare me into silence anymore.

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