4 comments on “What the Woman I am Now Would Tell Myself Then

    • Well, I apologize if my words came across so strong as to invoke a negative reaction; that truly was not my intent. I think at some point we all look back on mistakes or things we regret and consider what would we do if we could just make a different choice or erase something altogether. However, I am a firm believer that were we allowed this power to go back and alter our lives like an author proofs the written word, we would lose parts of ourselves that we picked up along the way as a result of these things. Even the scary, humiliating, desperate, negative things. Everything we choose, everything we endure, whether by consequence of our own actions or by unforseen events and accidents or changes in cicrumstances, has an integral part our development as people.

      I feel blessed that the condition I find myself in has been a result of everything that has ever occured in my life up to the very second I am typing these words. While many things I have suffered through, such as a dysfunctional childhood which included abuse of all but one of the siblings, being abandoned by a parent, and being tortured incessantly by Kevin have been seemingly unbearable at the time I experienced them, were always periods of my life I managed to come out the other side. It built within me the knowledge that I can have faith in myself, that I can have faith in Jehovah, that I am resourceful, perseverant, loyal, honest, trrustworthy, and even though it took three decades to find it, someone who could show me that I am also worthy of being loved.

      Faltering in these qualities due to being under duress is not something I find to be incapable of correction, or reversal for that matter. These struggles occur within ourselves as a result of being bombarded and overloaded, and the second you let it take over, you lose sight of everything and become lost in the woods. And this is when we need help to make it through, because if we rely on ourselves, we will never see the clearing through the trees.

      The morning I left Kevin was the most lost I had ever felt. Somehow, despite my trust and faith being shattered, I managed to offer it up to Jehovah and find the will to leave. However, I find myself wishing that if I could have done anything to use my hindsight to somehow improve the situation, I would, in fact, not erase the time I was with Kevin for anything in the world. It would have been nice, though, if I could have just maybe sent myself this little map ahead of time, so I could be aware of the pitfalls and not succumb as much to frustration or the thinking Kevin indoctrinated me into. It would have been comforting to have the assurance that there would be some peace further down the road, that the badness would fade, and I would find myself in the circumstances I do now.

      I reconnected with the one man I could never get over, and he has been my rock on this earth. There have been several occasions where my PTSD from what I experienced with Kevin has tested him, but he always handles it gracefully and never fails to treat me lovingly, with respect and dignity… and copious amounts of patience. A part of me desperately wishes that I did not have to tell him the things I have had to say. A part of me wishes that there was a way I could tell him these things without causing him any emotional distress, and I hope what I did tell him did not leave him with images of me in his mind that I would detest being there. A part of me fears, even though I know he would never react this way, that maybe he will think less of me for allowing these things to happen. And then I remember that’s Kevin’s voice hissing in my ear that I am not good enough, that I am worthless, and I have to force myelf to concentrate on the voice in my other ear.. The kind, gentle, loving voice telling me that everything will be okay. The sound of Kerwyn comforting me and protecting me from my worst enemy at present: myself.

      • I am glad you are able to let the stuff that happened to you out into the cosmic consciousness. It’s important that part of the healing you are doing is being able to tell people! Don’t be sorry about your writing:)

      • Hi.. Do not and I repeat do not apologize for your powerful words. You need to let this out. It is part of your healing. You need to let the hurt and sadness out.. You are in my thoughts!

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