Apparently, my act of brazen defiance of Kevin’s iron will in December has turned into a landslide of epic proportions. What began as an act of desperation and survival has morphed into a complete overhaul of every last element of my life. It is a marvelous thing for me that I am not afraid of change, because for the past nine months, I have subjected myself to upheaval upon upheaval, and it seems that I am far from finished. This is a very well-refined element of Amy from the days before Kevin… constantly moving, constantly developing, improving, learning, acting, going, shopping, dancing, singing, traveling… anything but stagnation.
I have blue-screened the whole lot of them. Those around me act completely confounded and shocked that the version of me they knew nine months ago would come to share the same body that I have now. Alas, my freedom seems to have lit a spark that enveloped that Amy in an overdue conflagration and erased her. They look at me, puzzled, to some extent troubled, that I have changed so drastically since then. Their untrusting eyes examine everything, from the makeup, to the jewelry, to the shoe and bag collection, the clothes, the skirts they had never seen me wear, my lunches, my deliberate weight loss, the sudden changes I make to my hair on a whim… and some who pay closer attention notice my brazen acts of making eye contact with everyone, acknowledging everyone, stopping someone I see in the office who looks down-hearted and asking them how they are, sometimes being bold enough to mention how I see they look tired or down, ask if they need help with anything, and the conversations that follow with them smiling, leaving the spectators completely confounded as to how I did it.
“What are you doing, what did you do, that made you like this?”
My answer: survive living with a monster and come out the other side with an unrestricted, unbound appreciation for life, love, and Jehovah.
“They have been miserable all day and wouldn’t even talk to me! How did *you* get them to smile?”
My answer: Maybe I’m contagious. It has been known to happen now and again. Seriously, what it is… It could be a million and one things. Perhaps, I am contagious. Smiling is pretty awesome. I have plenty of smiles to go around. But what I believe is that maybe, just possibly, they were so appreciative and encouraged that someone who doesn’t know them well not only noticed something was wrong but was bold enough to extend comfort. Sometimes, the smallest gesture in the form of kind words and a gentle smile can mean more than the most lavish of gifts. Open your heart and show others that you care, that they matter.
It’s called compassion. I have been through the inferno and made it out *alive.* I have no callous, and I refuse to let someone who is suffering walk by, especially if all it takes is a little encouragement. It’s an easy thing to do. All you have to do is extend yourself. And fear it? After Kevin… Psh.
“You look so happy now!” and “You seem like a completely different person!”
My answer: I am happy, and I deserve to be. I have a new lease on life, but the difference you speak of is on the outside. Even though my appearance has changed as well as many interests, I believe the core of who I am has remained the same, if not augmented by what I have made it through.
I have to say, when I wrote this last thought, I winced a little. I have happiness, even though it is periodically challenged by the echoes of Kevin in the back of my mind. My happiness is cherished, even treasured, and my mind constantly turns to those who do not have the same. In my area over the past several months, there have been an increasing number of domestic violence incidents and a rising number of abusers who have violated the stay away orders in place on them. The latest of them was arrested yesterday for violating a stay away order granted just eleven days earlier.
From my own experience, my counselor who also works as an advocate in the courts is constantly on the go and has had to reschedule sessions on several occasions to handle emergencies that have arisen. The advocates, counselors, and domestic violence service organizations in the county cover an extensive amount of rural territory, and while they work tirelessly in attempt to assist those who need them, they are being spread too thin.
I spent a little time Saturday evening researching the domestic violence services organizations that do exist in the three county area, and I have volunteer application PDFs downloaded and ready to go. Early next week, I will be contacting each of them regarding open volunteer positions and get details of the training each organization offers before I decide where to put in the application. Eventually, my immediate focus will be related to advocacy, support, and assistance in helping victims of domestic violence get out, get shelter and immediate stability, and begin rebuilding their lives.
So thank you, Kevin, for showing me that I can not only survive but flourish no matter what I endure… including you. Now it’s up to me to use this to protect others from people like you.
Picking Up the Pieces 
bravo! you go girl!
Eventually, I prefer to work full time, but for the interim, this is still helping. I have been kicking around other ideas I would like to pursue but I am not in the position to actually do it yet.
You are amazing! I absolutly love that you are going to volunteer! It is a blessing that you are going to give back! I have been playing with the idea of being a volunteer at the Police Station as a DV advocate when a call comes in. I am moving in a few months so maybe in my new town. Brava my love, Brava!
Bah, I am just doing what I need to do, for myself and others. I have been thinking about doing this for a long time… technically I have been kicking the idea around since not that long after I started the blog. Just because I cannot yet put into action what I want to do doesn’t mean I can’t volunteer in the meantime. A big issue in my county is *shelter* for dv victims. I know when I left, the advocate at my job was actually looking into other counties. It makes it so hard here.
I think volunteering at the PD would be a wonderful thing. The departments are usually filled with male officers, and I think it’s best to have a female advocate. I can’t imagine the first person I told being a man. I don’t know how I would have ever got enough nerve to say it.
I know thats what I was told as to why they are actually supposed to ask you if you would like an advocate there-I of course did not get that option, but the Police Officer that I spoke to was pretty nice. But it was so uncomfortable when I had to show the bruises and cuts and scrapes on my back…If I could avoid someone else from going through that I would be happy-and I am sure it would be comforting to let someone know- I get it because I was in the same position not that many years ago.
I think it sounds kind of snobby of me, but unless someone has been through intimate partner violence or any form of abuse, they don’t need to be advising me on what to do and how I should heal. For it to be beneficial for me, I had to talk to someone who has been through it. That isn’t to say that psychologists and counselors who *haven’t* been through it don’t care, they just truly don’t understand. It’s always easier to reveal the secret and the pain to someone who has experienced it. Not only does it show them that there is someone who is going to listen to them without judging, blaming, or making them think they are crazy, they can also have proof that it will get better… even if that does take time.
Hey, I just had an afterthought. Have you seen the documentary Sin By Silence? I have only been able to find a clip on youtube and the website for the documentary. It’s about women in prison advocating against domestic violence. I thought if I could see the whole thing, I might be able to refer it to you for maybe 180 to screen to the women there. Let me know. I might end up seeing if I can just order it.
I have never heard of that. I must ask someone at 180 tonight. I am thinking about going in to catch up….
Here is the link in case you can’t get out or no one knows what you are talking about! 🙂
http://www.sinbysilence.com/
Proud!!
Keep moving forward. If you get time, read power of now or new earth by Eckhart Tolle. Empowering thoughts.
Thank you Deepa 🙂 I will make a note!
Onward and upward! Your outlook on life, your spirit, and your pluck (in this case, the ability to stare adversity in the face and smile) definitely works in your favor. Granted, some days are more challenging than others, but you’re definitely in a better place than even just a few months ago. That’s a good thing!
Advocacy seems a definite part of your future. I had no doubt about that, and you’re embracing that role more and more each day. Naturally, if I can help in any way as you walk down that path, I’ll happily do so! 🙂
Does me being “in a better place” include episodes of neurosis? 🙂 Some days, I feel like I have to work so much harder to keep the Kevin-induced crazy from coming out of the closet. It’s disconcerting that it even was an issue to begin with, but I hope it’s under control a little more consistently!
As for advocacy, I was probably always bound to be headed in that direction, even if I didn’t realize it at the end of February when I first started the blog here. I have no interest in activism and lobbying, because I truly feel that won’t change until the current air that is so overwhelmingly pervasive in this world is removed. Additionally, I do not believe that any amount of legislation will ever erase this; abusers will be abusers will be abusers. I feel my attention is better focused toward helping victims get out of their abusive relationships so they can first get to safety, take care of the legal steps they need to handle, and then focus on rebuilding their lives, getting stability, and healing.
When you first leave, you are not thinking clearly enough to be able to figure out on your own everything that needs to be taken care of. The fear and emotional distress is too prohibitive, and you truly need someone who has experienced it themselves to help navigate your way through the mess and destruction. The victims’ focus should be on salvaging and rebuilding themselves, NOT procedure. I know I didn’t care about procedure. My brain told me I needed to focus on myself, and that’s why I contacted two advocates, one specifically to advise on criminal issues.
With as many of us survivors there are working as advocates, there is still unfortunately an overwhelming need for many more. And you know me well enough to know that I am thin-skinned when it comes to others’ suffering, and I refuse to leave them to themselves to figure it out on their own.