The Frightening Boldness of Your Abusive Mind

As a woman whose actions in relation to my treatment of others are driven by love and compassion, I am wondering if I should be concerned that I understand and have memorized all the deepest, darkest, most intimidating pathways of your mind.  Further, should I be troubled by the fact that I need no guide, no map to get into the core of your mind, your thoughts, or logic that are driven by manipulation and deceit?  It is forever burned into my memory, and it has scarred my heart.  It ruled every action I made, every word I spoke for four dark years.

But there is an upside to this.  I can troubleshoot and predetermine every path you would consider taking, every decision you would make, and all the faulty logic and reasoning it took you to get there.  Every time you choose to do something, I don’t need to sit down and analyze why.  At once, I can step into your shoes and follow the neurons as they (mis)fire and lead you along the infrastructure of your delusions to the final destination.   I understand every pretense, every option you consider, every pro and con you think up, and why you make the decision you finally choose.  No one can say that you are incapable of problem solving.  However, what they can say is that you choose to use that ability for evil.  For self gain.  In an attempt to satiate, alleviate, and quench your desire to get what you want.  Despite the cost to those around you.  With no consideration to the path of destruction you leave in your wake.  Without a second thought of anyone else’s well-being.

You have built a life out of climbing over everyone’s back, and use this deliberately as a collective whole, because to you we are all underfoot, just a stepping stone, just a resource, just a way to the next best thing.  You have lived a life running around in constant pursuit because of your obsession.  Everything you do is driven by this one simple fact: you want.  You want, but you are not willing to give.  You take, but you are not willing to give back.  You rob and plunder, because you think you deserve all things for free, and also want everyone else to do the work.

You have allowed yourself to believe that what you do is okay, acceptable, justifiable.  Bold enough to proclaim it out loud, as though your words are irrefutable truth.  And you act accordingly.  Brazen enough to beat us up with your fists and tear us down with your mouth.  You do not apologize, and you do not regret.  You do not lament, because you feel no remorse.  You have acquitted yourself and thus your actions you have excused. 

You unabashedly, shamelessly will attempt to wear away resolve by manipulating and twisting our emotions and our capacity to love and use it against us.  To try to get us to oblige you, to do your will.  To let you in where you can steal and destroy and use us up to your heart’s content.  So you can get what you want. 

Above all this, you have an ever darker side.  A side that only those the “closest” to you ever see.  Because most of them are so frightened at the monster you reveal to them, that they are intimidated and forced into silence.  And you go merrily on your way.  When we don’t comply, you bully.  When we don’t initially give in and let you have your way, you threaten and intimidate, and then you use physical force.  Against the physically weaker half.  Against the milder, gentler half who cannot match your brute force.  And you don’t stop until your pummeling has totally annihilated and eroded our will.  Until it has left us bruised, swollen, reddened, bleeding, and we are too humiliated to leave the house and let anyone see what has become of us.  Until we are so in fear of you and what punishment you will devise next, and the fear fuses our lips and deadens our eyes.  So no one will know.  No one will see.  And you can continue, anger unabated. 

We are the women whom you have abused.  You have beaten some of us into a hospital bed, others into the shadows.  Into obscurity.  You have turned us into anecdotes to your like-minded friends.  Warnings.  Indications of pride at your ability to control, manipulate, and own.  You have instilled into us all insurmountable fear.  Or so you thought.

You no longer have me shackled in that overwhelming fear that was stronger than iron.  The oppressive fear that forced me to be silent.  And when I hear your voice sneaking in like a thief to steal my peace, when it roars in an effort to scare me back into that deafening silence, I will raise my voice higher until you are drowned out and fade away.  You will not control me.  You will not dominate my thoughts.  You will not hold power over me any longer.

When I speak of you publicly, and I will do so, to large groups of people, when I become fearful of discovery, or if you show up, I will not shrink away.  I will lift my head up, I will look you dead in the eyes, and I will identify you by name.  I will tell my audience what kind of man you are, the things you did to me and those who were before me, and I will not take the blame.  I will not feel shame.  I will not feel broken. 

For in your madness and disgusting mistreatment of me, you have given me the courage to face you.  To bring out into the light what you did to me under shroud of secrecy and deceit, and I will illuminate the darkest parts of you until every last wretched thing you did fades away.  Until the end, until my last breath, until I  completely have expelled every last doubt and every last demon lying in wait to bring me to ruin.  You will not steal my voice.  You will not rob me of my hope or dignity or value for myself.

You want to challenge me, you want to test me, let’s go.  For I am more equipped to do good than you are to cause devastation.  I have the advantage of living in the light AND the knowledge exactly the thinking that goes on in the dark, and I can navigate and troubleshoot, analyze and categorize, and logically choose the expected course of you.  All because I was witness at close range to the frightening boldness of your abusive mind.

I know you were at the police station on Monday.  Somehow, you were able to find another place just outside of town, not far from my place of employment.  She remembered you, by your name, your demeanor.  You are being evicted again, I see things for you are still the same.  This was the final piece to my puzzle.  This one missing link to the box of photos you dropped off for me.

My advocate and I are quite amused by your boldness.  Your audacity.  Your short memory.  Your vileness.  She and I have been into the dark recesses; we have shared our journeys through the violent minds like yours.  And we know what you are up to.

Your family won’t take you in.  Your friends won’t give you money.  You have nowhere to go, and you are bold enough to think that I am your last resort.  You better wisen up and halt yourself right here.  Take another path.  I’m not letting you back in.  I feel no sorrow for you and how you live your life.  I am not foolish enough to let you back in again.  The gesture you made Tuesday “out of the kindness of your heart” has fallen an apathy.  There is nothing here for you, so keep on moving.

If you think I would stand up and walk away from someone like Kerwyn because you gave me a box of pictures I thought were long gone, you are pitiable.  And to try to get an in-road, you had to use something that you thought would work, because you know I know don’t care about things.  That’s your arena.  So you attempted to use sentimentality against me.  And you failed.

But I invite you to keep trying,  I filed my report yesterday with the police.  She invited me to report every thing that happens, no matter how trivial it may seem.  Each time you come at me, I will go back and file a new one.  I will build them up, stack them up against you, and I will allow you to earn yourself charges for stalking.  I will allow you to build up frustration at the apparent lack of a response, and you may even reach the point where you initiate physical contact.  I invite you, if you want to make this mistake, keep continuing on your present course.  Because if you ever try to lay a finger on me again, this time you will be arrested.  I will follow through with charges.  I will say my piece against you, and so will plenty of others.

Check mate, Kevin.  The game is over.