I am leaving you today,
we have reached the end of the line.
Look around you and tell me you can’t see
the signs of your being unwelcome.
Your intrusions, your tempestuous nature
and the mourning, lamentation, and obsession
dragging forever behind me,
a spiked rusty ball and chain
burrowing into the ground and catching me
in the fog and vapor of yesterday,
scratching and gouging, ripping open old wounds
but never bringing change.
Trying to sell me dreams –
that I can reach back and grab her,
pull her close to me,
absorb her into me,
that if I wish hard enough,
if I focus hard enough,
I could become all she was meant to be.
She is an intangible illusion,
a dream, a mirage
and she vanishes and reappears ever further from my grasp.
She can never be me,
but she taunts,
dances about my feet to an unheard song pounding in my brain.
And I throw my hands up,
I cast you off into the darkness, into the unknown
a faded memory.
Discarded among the ashes,
lying along side the forgotten pieces of me,
the shattered bits of the woman I was.
unrealized but not forgotten.
All that was of worth survived the tempest
much stronger, much wiser,
much more capable than she was before.
I understand now,
the beauty that lies within this scarred but hopeful heart,
and I cherish the butterfly that has emerged from
with wings of brilliant, blazing red –
my hopes, my gratitude,
love, resilience, and might
was not within her,
did not flourish and burn within her,
and she lacked the wings to fly.
I throw up my hands in finality
and cast you off into the dust.
You will not gnaw at me,
eat away at or pulverize me
into giving up this light
this love, peace, and wildly beating heart
who after all her years,
after the deluge of tears and frustration,
has become who she should be:
strong, vital, hopeful, at ease,
afire with the light of life,
surround by the gift of love,
a far better version of me
than that shattered shell could ever aspire to be.
I cast you out,
make you prey to the wolves,
at long last, I have set you free!