6 comments on “Escaping / Avoiding Abuse: Not a Question of “Smarts”

  1. This resonates SO much! I’m also a bookish person with a love of knowledge, and I like to think I’m successful at most things I put my mind to (though I don’t think I’d crack Japanese!). Its so great to read someone else articulate what has caused me to beat myself up – why on earth did I let it happen? How could I be so stupid? Questions that friends and family also asked me – repeatedly.

    It caused me to lose a lot of confidence. I started thinking that maybe I just had zero emotional intelligence. Then, I looked hard at what happened to me and realised that there was no way I could have known what he was when I first got involved – abusers are often skillful manipulators – and once I was there, I was already enmeshed in the psychological warfare designed to break me and control me.

    Interestingly, I read somewhere that narcissists and psychopaths in particular like to pick up on smart women. I suppose it gives their ego a massage if they can get someone who strong, independent and intelligent to submit to their will.

    Thank you so much for posting this!

    • Ah, Japanese isn’t as difficult as you would think. The most challenging thing is when you are first beginning, because of particles that change the meaning of subjects and they have counting words for like everything.. the suffix you use for books is different than pencils is different that like cylindrical objects. And once you remember the radicals that compose the Kanji (the most complex of the three character groups — think Chinese writing), it’s so much simpler to learn.

      Unfortunately, if you couple the fact that we are our own worst critics with the doubts and insecurities that are thriving after we leave, it just only multiplies the “I am so stupid” thoughts. Exponentially so. And if you have family or friends adding further fuel, it becomes an impossible thought process to escape from. After all, is this not one of the first issues abusers raise and get you to believe?! So then by proxy, it becomes an issue where you momentarily think that the abuser *was* right all along! Absolutely horrible.

      What you said about narcissists and psychopaths (of which Kevin is both) makes perfect sense…. only I find it hard to believe that he was looking for an ego boost, as he was so adept at hanging them out generously to himself! I think with Kevin it was more of a control issue than anything. Although, I could be wrong. I just don’t care enough about what he is doing to find out. 🙂

  2. I think it is also partly that we as the abused, can not believe that someone would behave this way towards another human being. I too am pretty smart(not as smart as you, but I got a perfect score on my English SATS) but I could not even imagine that any one would treat ANYONE the way I got treated. It was like a surprise attack!
    I think of it like when the Jews blindly went into the trains during WWII. Had they ever even IMAGINED what would be waiting for them at the end of the ride, I think there might have been a bigger fight….

    • You know, I have my shining moments in the Neurotics Hall of Fame. However, I cannot imagine how it is possible for anyone to do this to another human being. And if I wasn’t a personal witness to it, I would be hard pressed to believe that someone so vile and morally bankrupt walked this earth. See, in Amy-land, this is not how human beings act. We support and encourage and love and entertain and befriend and upbuild each other. Not destroy lives through this… evil. I wrongly expect that because I offer up my love and my affection and admiration and respect that others do it as well. But it turns out, it just is not that way with everyone. I offered up myself honestly, and I was brutalized in return.

      It wasn’t just that he abused me and lied to me and stole from me and manipulated me…. It was things I saw him do to others, without any slight pang of guilt to plague him. The traffic coming in and out all hours of the day and night, his snitching, selling things for drugs, stealing my money (AKA beating me up for it) for drugs, helping dealers get more “clientele,” selling female addicts for drug money, bringing dealers to addicts he knew were trying to get clean because he knew when everyone was getting paid… and that doesn’t even begin to touch it. All these things I couldn’t have known about him until I was tangled up in the mess…. and by that time, as you know, it’s too late.

      The only way they keep you from seeing this is being master liars, cheaters, manipulators… anything they have to do to get you to believe they are kind, honest, loving people who will care for you… and then they rip your life apart and you are left standing there trying to figure out how it happened, where it all went wrong… so you can fix it. And there is no fixing it.

      Girl now you know what would have happened if the Jews put up a fight… They would have been forced or shot on spot… Oddly enough, same line of reasoning is present in abusers. Hmmmm.

  3. Every time I read your blogs they are always right on time. 🙂 I suffer with this constantly. I know I am smarter but am now learning that intellect and affairs of the heart don’t always marry up if you know what I mean. Thanks for this blog – seeing it in writing helps!

    • Hi there! I am glad to know it helped. I think it ended up as a post because it was time for me to remind myself of this as well. Everything NOW all looks logical as we look back. We can see all the signs of something that was warning us it was wrong, the behaviors we excused and forgave when we shouldn’t have… and so much more. But we can’t do anything with hindsight in regards to something we already experienced… Except never to repeat it and to help others to avoid it altogether or to get out and get safe. To see that they DO have value and they ARE loved and DESERVING of being loved the right way.

      I commented on another blog I follow about something along these lines…. that it wasn’t her intellect that failed her. The issue is that as women we are built to love and nurture and protect…. and once we are tied up in the emotion, we think if we just love them enough or the right way, it will fix it. And when we cannot achieve this, we blame ourselves.

      Abusers know this. They use it to their advantage and make everything into our fault, because we MUST have a lack of intelligence, flawed capabilities, etc. But WE ARE NOT THE ONES WHO ARE BROKEN. They are.

      If you are interested, the blog is livelovelearn1983…. I think. You should be able to see if from my blogsI follow widget…. on the lower right side if you scroll. She is one of the last ones I followed so she should be at the top.

      Thank you for your comment! 🙂

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