What does a month mean to you? Just a reminder of passing time? A ticking clock that sounds an approaching deadline you know you are not ready for? A way to mark progress and benchmark yourself against past achievements?
A month to me can be as full as a year for some. Since I left Kevin last year, I have been stuffing as much as I can into a schedule that just refuses to give. So I push and pull at the fabric of what time means in my head and force it to mold itself into an intangible vessel I can continue to fill and overflow at my will. I run and do not stop to breathe. I bounce and flutter from one task to the next as though stopping in mid-flight would cause me to fall to the ground unable to move. Unable to breathe. When I am idle, I feel like a snake molting from its dead skin. I feel the pull as the encasement of a whirlwind mind drags my body through one day into the next, until they blur like a landscape passing by a speeding car.
Until this morning, I was blindly flying along until I remembered. My brain temporarily stopped my momentum like a brick wall, and inserted two incessantly echoing thoughts into the darkest corners of my mind. Milestones, some overwhelmingly joyous and others blatantly troubling. Anniversaries. The first of many annual reminders of the strength and determination that one insignificant human, a woman, can possess and demonstrate fearlessly, as though she didn’t really have these chains of bondage in her past. Anniversaries that have come to show her that she was ever so wrong to believe that she couldn’t make it after this. After one person so seemingly powerful nearly brought her to ruin. Nearly erased her from her existence.
In two days, on Saturday December 14th, you will all be invited back into these dark corners of my mind so I can share with you the joy of this anniversary. The first anniversary of my freedom from him. From the fear, the insecurity, the pain, the devastation, and the disaster. I will invite you in and share what I have learned, what I have confronted and overcome, what I still struggle with, but most importantly, you will see those dark recesses have finally become flooded with light. His anger and control no longer have shadow to seek refuge; all he has done has been purged, and I am finally free.
In one week and two days, I will be celebrating the fact that I was able to swallow my pride and reach out to the one person from my past that I could never let go. Celebrating the love and mercy and patience he has shown me in letting me embark on this journey to heal without trying to hold me back or force mold me in any way.
In three weeks and four days, I will be celebrating one year of absolute spiritual freedom and growth. How it has gently eased down its invisible hands and cradled me until I could walk, supported me when I stumbled over my own feet, and then released me to walk on my own…. but never abandoned me, being ever so sure to keep watch and guide me from stumbling back. How my kind, loving Father guided me and encouraged me to cut loose the pain of the past and embrace the blinding light that lay ahead in my future.
And thirty-three days, the order I have in place against Kevin is due to expire. I cannot lie and say there is no anxiety over having to face him again. That my thoughts have not turned into mindless obsessions about the power his presence has to melt me into a babbling fool. But this time, there is no dread. I have a map behind me, finally, to help me continue on my way. I know what to expect, I know what I have to do, and most importantly, I have the strength, courage, and audacity to look him in the eye and tell him to his face, without hesitation, without wavering, that I have finally ripped away and melted the chains of control he once immobilized me with and become everything his foolish mouth told me I could not be. That I have my voice and my life is not over.
Not over indeed. For this girl…. this girl right here… has not even gotten started. You have all been privy to the most wondrous, fantastic metamorphosis a woman can undergo…. a change that could not have happened without the support of all of you, and so many who have not even immersed themselves in my words. And you are invited to continue the journey by my side.
Be hindered by my past? I am so over this. It’s time to rock and roll.