8 comments on “Another Side of Domestic Violence: Sexual Abuse

  1. A very powerful post, well done in outlining the nuances of sexual abuse. For me, strip searches, unwanted touching and extreme jealousy were about as bad as it got – but that was still humiliating enough for me to feel disgusted with him and even myself. There’s something about feeling your abuser ‘owns’ you – body and soul – that makes you die a little inside. Thank you for being open enough to talk about this very important topic.

    • I had put off bringing this up for more than one reason, but mainly because I have been unable to have this conversation with the person closest to me. Not out of humiliation, because I believe that Kevin is not only the part at fault for the abuse I endured but he should also be the one ashamed of the inhumane way he treats the person closest to him…. and then turns around and arrogantly brags about keeping his woman in line. There are some things you don’t realize how deeply they have impacted you, regardless of how well you are progressing, until it’s time to open your mouth and say so. While I do not feel humiliation for Kevin’s actions, I still can’t help but carry a feeling of loss in this respect. And further having to subject Kerwyn to more experiences that he can’t do anything about, things that could cause him even the littlest bit of emotional distress just makes it too hard to get the words to come out of my mouth.

      It really is worse than I revealed here, but I feel that kind of detail would be more harmful to those who read my posts than good, and some are just so… deeply personal in their effect on me emotionally that it is best they stay between me and Jehovah.

      I had a hard time reconciling the relationship and its implications with regard to how it should be when I tried to compare against the way it really was. I was vocal with Kevin about this, and he never once listened to me. He would say he loved me, and sometimes things would just fly out of my mouth like feathers on the winds, and I’d say things like, “Yet you beat on me. What kind of man does that? That ain’t any kind of love I know.” Which inevitably led to another argument and another round of interrogation and accusation after which he tried to talk me into believing that he was right..

      And they truly do think they own you. But you aren’t human to them, you are just a thing, a thing to handled any way they please. And the moment you feel that objectification take over and all control over your entire life is shattered, that moment you feel that death in your heart is the worst second of your life. The worst, and I will never forget what that moment felt like, but I can take solace in the fact that I will never be subjected to that again. Genuine love is the only thing that can ease the pain of that death.

  2. I have a lot to say about this but today is not that day. I hate that he did this to you and I am so so so glad you got away from him, fought back the right way, and are living far away from his influence. Your ability to tell your story and educate others about the reality of all types of abuse is commendable. Thank you so much for writing this.

    • Ah, commendation. Do you know that none of us end up on our path looking for commendation for coming forward? Somehow we become overflowing with it because it swirls and bubbles in like a torrent from all directions…. survivors, current victims, friends / family of survivors and victims, and those who are so blessed to never have known the destruction and lonliness of this over-crowded prison called domestic violence. We know our true motivations for coming here and shattering the silence above the need to heal and not only find but use our voice to shout it out…. explosively so…. out into all corners of the inhabited earth so we can use that light as a way to find and guide those wanting to leave, wanting to heal… just wanting to be a whole person again who can smile, laugh, think, breathe, walk, and LOVE without fear of reprisal, pain, isoaltion, accusations, and mockery.

      That peace is a thing to be treasured and we all know as survivors once we find it, nothing can trump that gratitude for just being able to LIVE, and this gratitude is what brought me here to reveal such personal things. Out of love, so everyone suffering can be enveloped by the warmth of the light of life and have the sharp edge of their pain soften and eventually disappear.

      So to reveal these things is necessary for me to get it out of my head, off my heart, and to help others find support groups who have had experience with things that were done to them, because the feeling of being hte only one after we leave… it’s destructive. And until the past few months when some of you started saying so to me, I had no idea that me doing this little thing of baring my most private wounds to the world was so profound. But you have all done the same for the rest of us, so me revealing this is… normal?

      In regards to Kevin, well… I am sure he feels nothing even remotely akin to regret for what he did, but that is not my concern. If he doesn’t change, it will catch up to him. I can’t deny that it doesn’t get on my nerves how he always worms his way out of everything, but the consequences will come, and the longer he goes continuing on his path, the more final and fatal they will be. And there will be no one to blame but himself.

      yesterday, I found out I cannot have the order extended or file for a new one unless he has CITATIONS for a violation. Which is convenient because the PD wouldn’t cite him even though they let me file a report for the thing in October. And the woman I spoke to was condescending about me even asking, like I was doing something wrong. And when she told me that I would pretty much have to wait and see if he did anything to me the day after the order expired, I busted out laughing so loud that everyone in the back half of the office suite heard me. She was shocked that I would react, and then she said it is like that to prevent people who just don’t like each other from applying for orders, because everyone would be doing it. And I was like, yeah how dare I let him drag me out of the house in the middle of the night and take me into the woods so he could apply the tire iron in the trunk for other purposes. How dare I let him be a woman beater, what was I thinking?

      So the situation needs to be handled but I am trying to do so in the most polite and non-beligerent way possible, because making myself look like a jerk won’t help me. As of now, January 10th, 2014, he will be free to do whatever he wants. And the law doesn’t really care if he could end up being another Jeremy Remy (killed Jennifer Martel THE DAY AFTER THE ORDER EXPIRED and people who witnessed the stabbing attack tried to help but couldn’t….. his familuy convinced her to drop the order), because as long as they are safe (and I am sure they would bend the rules if it was their family), they just don’t care. What’s one more assault or murder victim on the books?

      • Gosh, that last bit is so terrifying and frustrating. I hope that something changes or that he does one stupid thing that you can cite him for and have it extended. My restraining order is in effect until August 2015 and I’m hoping to be living in a different state by then :-/

  3. Pingback: Apology, Justification, Criticism, and Over-Accounting: The Conditioning Continues | Picking Up the Pieces

  4. Pingback: What I Want Those Trapped in Abuse to Know | Picking Up the Pieces

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s