2 comments on “Apology, Justification, Criticism, and Over-Accounting: The Conditioning Continues

  1. I waited to read this until I had proper time to focus on it without distraction. First, I HATE Kevin. He honestly makes my ex look like Romeo, what a bastard. I can’t believe he would say those things to you. It is sickening. Secondly, you are very right about the need to apologize. *sigh* I will work on it… and I dare say I’ve gotten better over time. I was a DISASTER just a little more than a year ago. This post was excellent and I must now commence with sharing it because I hope others will also take the time to read it and try to understand or (unfortunately) relate to it.

    • Don’t worry. A year ago, I was apologizing for even stupid, petty, nonsensical, and unnecessary things at least 100,000,000 times a day. (Including things that were done that were out of my control and could cause people to look down on me in judgment) Now I only do it maybe half as much! LOL It’s really only something that is going to improve over time as we re-learn through the people in our lives that we really don’t have to apologize for something unless we genuinely feel the need to and we know we offended someone, hurt them, or did something wrong that would lead us to feel that need to say it.

      The abusers screw with our thinking so much that we just get to a point where we began to apologize for everything, because we had no way of knowing anymore what we were supposed to be sorry for and why. They also preferred us to be confused this way, because if we are apologizing to them all the time, they can warp this around and use this as more irrefutable proof that WE are wrong. That they really aren’t being cruel. That they don’t really abuse us. That we deserve what they do to us. That we cause it. That we are worthless. And they like it that way.

      Speaking of needing to work on not apologizing, do you know how many times I read through this post and nitpicked words I used? And immediately I felt like I should do a re-write and apologize for the tiny errors, left out words, and spelling errors I did not catch. I generally force myself to leave them unless the error changes the meaning of what I am saying or comes across rude, etc. It helps me overcome the OCD that developed as a result of my neurosis. I only twitch violently for an hour or two. 🙂

      I opted to write about it now not only because I had been kicking it around in my head for a while but because the post you wrote the other day really made me think it was time. I couldn’t have you carrying that alone, sunshine 🙂 Hopefully those who read it will come away with insight as to how difficult navigating the emotional aftermath can really be, and perhaps not only display more patience when interacting with us but compassion as well.

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