7 comments on “The Guilt I Can’t Let Go

  1. I am sorry that happened to you. That is a special kind of evil. I do know one very important thing. It was not by any fault of yours. Trusting souls believe what they are told. You cannot be held responsible for his decisions and abuses of another, or many others. You were not complicit in has betrayal. I hope you come to understand that in your heart as well as your mind.
    I appreciate you sharing your story.

    • Every time I do, I feel like a leper. The worst part of the entire situation was sitting at the same table with her hours after I found out. I can’t ever explain it in a way anyone would understand. And when I have talked to a woman who’s been married and cheated on I feel especially…. low. I am not sure when I will be able to get rid of this one. It’s a whopper.

      • I don’t know how you did that. I cannot imagine and you’re right, no words will ever be to fully explain how hurt or terrified we sometimes feel.
        I wish there was something I could say that you wouldn’t feel that way. But I know from experience only God can do that.
        I’m sure it must have taken abounding self control to sit at that table and not get up. You are stronger than you believe yourself to be.

  2. I had to pause during reading this to stop the tears from falling. I’m so sorry you feel you are guilty, but you are not. He’s made you feel this way. He was the one who deceived everyone around him. I really hope you find peace with this. His daughter’s and wife are better off without him, as are you. xx

    • It’s a shame that there is unbelievable amounts of truth in that statement… they are better off without him. He has given them every bad example a father can on how to live life in general but more importantly…. depending on the choices they make later in life he will be a good example of what not to take from a man or a bad example of how a man treats a woman and children in intimate relationships. He used to complain that his girls were all growing up just like their mothers.. Well GOOD! The first of his daughters avoided the pain the other two went through even though it meant not having a relationship with him at all.. But if she did I am sure it would have been pretty bad. And the younger two from his marriage… they don’t see him putting his hands on his mother, running around with other women, disappearing for days at a time, getting the family evicted, or his coming high and detached. They are all intelligent and talented with a diverse set of talents, and without him, they have been able to pursue them. And they can sleep in peace at night.

      And still I find it so sad, because his girls are all but grown, and he MISSED THE ENTIRE THING!

  3. A post like this is hard to read, but oh-so-important to know. Like you, I can relate to feeling guilty about how my actions possibly (or definitely) affected others. Unlike you, I was definitely at fault, which makes letting go of the feelings even more challenging. So I won’t tell you to “get over it,” or remind you of what you mentally acknowledge (but don’t personally feel) – that the things you describe are the result of Kevin’s actions, not yours. What I would encourage you to do is something you’ve already done in the post above – look at the results.

    Although meeting Kevin’s wife at the time (now thankfully his ex) was under what arguably are the worst circumstances imaginable, it seems like everyone – his ex-wife, his daughters, and you – moved on and are in a better place. It’s possible you may even meet and have a relationship in the future because you both share a foundation of faith that transcends the pain Kevin sought to inflict. Eventually, you will reach a point where you won’t even remember the uncomfortable and awkward feelings you now experience (Isaiah 65:17). So take comfort in the situation all of you who suffered at his hands now enjoy, and know that things will only get better! 🙂

    • Don’t forget that by the time this revelation came to light I had already been studying and attending meetings. And later down the road when I got to the second book while studying with his sister on the phone, the chapters later in the book about marriage, etc., pained me. It took literally forever to get through those pages, because every word I read made me think of her and how we met and everything that happened afterward. So no one can say I had no knowledge of anything. No one can say I lived in ignorance of what was going on around me. And to me it’s pointless to defend myself regardless of how bad the situation really was. I know my back was against the proverbial wall. I know I was trapped, more literally than some would guess. I know that I was willingly subjecting myself to punishment because I wouldn’t let him touch me. But she didn’t know any of this. She couldn’t see the torture I was enduring because of him. And he was letting her believe everything I did was intentional and with full knowledge of her and the girls. I tried to send her an email once. He left his account open and I had copied her address in a new message on mine, and he came home. I hadn’t managed to log back into his fast enough and he saw mine on the log out screen. It did not go well.

      After that was when she began hunting down my family and talking to several people who insist on lying to me still. What they didn’t know was that Kevin would use this as a vehicle of punishment as well. Every lie they exchanged, she included in her emails and he would make me sit down with him and read them. Repeatedly. She knew things she couldn’t have without actually speaking to them. The things they told her were not the truth. Did they think they were helping me? Did they think their hate of him justified putting me at risk? So my family ALSO thought that I knew and acted with full knowledge of his wife’s situation. And I was the pariah. The untouchable one. The shunned one. And there is no way to tell you how much of a rift this one thing alone has caused with my family and I.

      Notice I said wife. To my knowledge, they have not yet gotten a divorce. As of the end of 2012 when I left, they were still married. I wish she would let it go, because he only uses her as a backburner in case he has run out of options. She deserves to have a husband who can not only recognize her worth but treat her that way as well. And if she were to ever come to me and ask if I’d be willing to speak on her behalf so she could get the divorce? Absolutely, without a second thought. She has suffered with this since the early 90s. It’s time for her to have some peace.

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