2 comments on “I Am a Work in Progress

  1. Unless someone has walked in your shoes and endured the emotional, mental (maybe financial and physical abuse), they have ZERO right to say anything to you. What we do through with these types of ‘monster’s’ as you call him, do not leave visible scars! But WE know they are there. Great post! And Kudos for you for getting through one day at a time. 😀

    • Emotional / verbal, brutal physical (sometimes bordering on torture – and not sure where forced sleep deprivation comes in, really), financial, sexual, and spiritual (which also added to the physical) abuse. There was almost nothing he did not do to me, and off the top of my head, the only two I can think of that he DID NOT do are rape ( he used to beat me and keep awake for as many consecutive nights as he needed to get me to give in and then punish me afterward, not sure what to call this, either) and selling me for drugs. He was too jealous for that and unfortunately kept that for active female addicts. They didn’t deserve that either. It tore me up seeing the shame on their faces, and it made me so angry that he didn’t care. As someone who is more than a little green ( I have never even smoked a cigarette LOL), enduring an abuser who was spiraling out of control in active addiction was terrifying. I never had even the slightest desire to experiment with any drugs, but after this, I would rather die than let that garbage near me.

      I have injuries from the metal bar he liked to use on me, but nothing visible… except when it is cold and you see me straining to make my legs function or you see me shifting around non-stop in my chair all day at work, because my back likes to complain. These I tolerate as collateral damage and I can accept to a certain degree I have to learn to live with them as best as I can. What I cannot accept is this PTSD garbage that can turn me into a lunatic. Not physically acting out, mind you. I will look as calm and serene as ever but the crazy in my head gets my mouth to going, and sometimes stopping it is like being chained inside a burning train going off the tracks, and even while I’m trying my best to pull the emergency brake and stop it, the lever sometimes snaps off and I just sit at the window gazing out into space watching myself plummet to the bottom. LOL

      Despite fighting the crazies in my head and the ignorant things that people say and do to me, I still have a pretty positive outlook on life. People mistake the frustration now in my posts for sadness and despair, but I swear if I didn’t let it out somewhere before long….. If you ever watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit, just picture the part in the movie where Eddie makes him drink in the bar. 🙂 That will let you know.

      Thank you for your comment 🙂

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