Sometimes being caught in a huge wave of triggers can really take the life out of me. Just imagine me all dumb and happy, flitting around like a butterfly, minding my own business when I fly smack into a wall. Past the initial shock I feel from the actual thud itself (which can be quite emotionally painful depending on the trigger), the absolute worst part of triggers for me is riding them out. This is especially true of the ones that get me in a rut for an extended period of time. If the emotional upheaval goes on long enough, this itself can be a trigger for me, because I loathe living with an emotional burden on my back that even remotely resembles the suffering I endured when I was with the man who abused me.
The only other thing that is a worse trigger than melancholy, truth be told, are things that I react to in a way such as to feel abandoned, rejected, and unwanted. (I took a step back for a few days and, daunting as it may seem, analyzed my declining stack of triggers. What I found annoyed me.) The more vulnerable I am to something, the worse the reaction is, the harder it is to fight through, and the longer the “once bitten twice shy” effect lingers. In my self-examination, it became evident that I needed to try some new ideas to help re-focus my thoughts and get them back on positive things, so I can then remind myself that this trigger, though lousy and hateful, is only temporary, and that the true state of my life is so much better than the set-backs I momentarily have to fight through.
What I came up with has probably been done a billion ways by as many people, so don’t expect anything earth shattering here. I decided that since I obviously do not yet possess the capability to think my way through every trigger, I needed something that I had to visually acknowledge. I decided to make a blessings board. Seeing that I spend so much time at my desk when I am home, I put it up and off to the left so it is always there, and I cannot ignore it. At the time I put it up on the wall, I was in a funky, ungrateful mood and wrote “Each day brings new blessings” to remind myself that I am truly fortunate on so many levels every days I live. I followed this by simply writing “James 1:17” so I never forget to thank the Originator of all my blessings. (James 1:17 reads: “Every good gift and every perfect present is from above, coming down from the Father of the celestial lights, who does not vary or change like the shifting shadows.” NWT)
I thought about taking a photo and including in my post, but there are things here, that while not inappropriate or able to reveal things people in my life wish to remain private, I feel that it is important that I keep some things for myself to reflect upon. They are, after all, my blessings, kind reminders to myself that my life has improved immeasurably since leaving, and that I need to always remember to nurture and cherish that gratitude. But if you were to somehow end up in my personal space, you would see things like birth announcements ( no not mine LOL ), wedding invitations, a picture of a really generous gift that had me in tears, the program from the weekend I was baptized, thank you notes, invitations to graduation parties, pictures friends drew. Wonderful gifts that sometimes I can take for granted, because I lose my focus on becoming financially solvent, regaining my independence, things of that nature. Yes, these are important things, but they are not the MOST important things. The most important things are those in life that make us spiritually rich, happy, content, even at the points in our lives when we are at our lowest materially. I have always found the most solace and comfort in reflecting on how these things have made my life meaningful, and, really, after so much hurt, how could a girl ask for more?
Life, love, and smiles. I’ve got it pretty good, and I wouldn’t give any of it up for anything. Not even if it comes with some struggles (big or small) along the way.