15 comments on “A Dirty Little Secret: Domestic Violence, Depression, and Suicide

  1. I am so sorry. You are a strong brave woman and I admire you so much. Venting and spewing is necessary and I am always here to listen.
    Love you ❤

    • The stupid thing is… I am not even mad at Kevin. I’m just angry. Frustrated. Exhausted. I hate not being fully self sufficient. I have always taken care of myself. And sometimes I have had to take care if others, and now I can do neither. I feel like I am being a bad example to those who have reached out to me, because I always tell you to remember what you have been through, the incredible progress you have made, and I don’t apply this to myself. At all. And I have always been like this.

      I know I am so far from where I was when I first left. I know I have come a long way, but I look around and see insensitive, ignorant people, I feel trapped. I can’t function like this. I can’t. I didn’t think I would be here this long. I thought my advocate was nuts. I am tired of people having to do for me like I’m a child, and Jehovah knows I ache to get out of this house.

      • I do know how you feel. I still have to rely on others for so many things. I hate it. I used to be the most independent woman I know. Now I have to borrow friends cars, mine is on it’s last legs. I used to make $60 an hour and that was taken from me by the ex and now I’m dirt poor and am barely able to buy groceries. I know that frustration, and I will slowly but surely come out of it as you will. It’s hard to be patient and it’s humbling to have to rely on so many people.
        But you have the determination of a pittbull and I have no doubt in my mind that you will gain your independence as you did before Kevin.
        Try not to be so hard on yourself. It’s only been a little over a year and the damage done was astronomical. You will recover, you are a strong and capable woman.
        I love you

  2. oh my sugar plum… i am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I have a room for you that is always available. Thats not an empty promise, its here for you if you need. I am around if you need, and I know how you are feeling. I have some ideas financially if you want to hear. text me….smootches..the puppy sends you wet kisses!

    • I just want to go to bed one night, actually get some sleep for once… (I am running on ten hours total since Tuesday last week), and wake up to even HALF the mountain. I’m not even asking for the debt itself to go away. I just want to have my own place, with a stinking car on the road, and not have it be so freaking impossible.

      Better watch it, that puppy may end up in my cube at work 😀 Just sayin

  3. I got notification of this post and when I read it I rushed over, I have to tell you that you are NOT alone and it won’t be like this forever.
    I went through almost exactly the same things as you and I am 56 now. If I can make it so can you.
    In my case I was already split from my ex, (yet still seeing him, after splitting so many times it had become “just the way we were”). He was dating and still coming around, I had left with $5, 1/2 a pack of smokes, my dog and my truck that he had sabotaged to the point that I never did get it running after investing over $10,000 into it. When I attempted suicide I was living rent free in a run down trailer that a crack head had lived in and it was filthy, but I could stay there for free if I cleaned it up.
    I was broken beyond anything I can describe. My truck was in the shop and they had put a new fuel pump in it, another $1000 but they were letting me charge it. Until my truck was running I couldn’t make money. My ex called them and told them to take the fuel pump out because he had one and he would bring it down. So they took it out and we waited a week and no fuel pump. I called and begged him to please just drop off the fuel pump. Nothing, then I begged him to please come and talk to me, I was going insane, no money, no vehicle, no food in the house, no one to talk to (my mom disowned me when I went back the last time) and my friends were long gone.
    Finally he promised he would come after work on Saturday. He never showed up but text messages me to look on the porch. there was the fuel pump. He said he had someone drop it off.
    I was devastated he hadn’t come like he promised.
    I had been saving pills for a long time and went and got them, plus a bottle of gravol. I started taking the pills, I didn’t write any good bye letters, not even to my son. I was just too broken to put words to my feelings. I just prayed he would understand. When I couldn’t walk anymore I crawled to the door and let my dog out for a pee. That was at 10 pm. I text messaged my ex asking that he come get the dog in the morning. he never replied.
    I survived obviously, woke up the next day around noon with a hangover that lasted 3 days and not enough money to buy more pills. I took the pump to the shop and they went to install it and it wasn’t the right pump so I ended up paying to have the right pump installed twice. The bastard. He knew what he was doing he’s a mechanic.
    He came around like nothing had happened and I told him what I had done, he acted all concerned.
    Two weeks later I find out he has been coming by my place on the way to see a married woman, he was driving my car and the police called to ask me if I knew where my car was, that is how I found out he was seeing this woman, Anyway I was devastated and he & I were texting and he said,”Why don’t you just kill yourself and do it right this time. No man is ever going to want a psycho, paranoid, suicidal, bitch like you anyway. You made my life hell for 10 years. I have met the woman for me and she is nothing like you. She is calm and rational, and I don’t have to lie to her.”

    My only reply was, “When she has done 10 years with you get back to me about how calm and rational she is.”

    I contemplated granting him his wish and killing myself but instead I got angry and thought I am going to live to spite the bastard. That is when I started my blog and started spilling my guts online to anyone who would listen. Crying out to no one and everyone. Pain there are no words to describe.

    I had nothing and I won’t go into details but believe me I have been where you are financially, emotionally, no one to talk to, life just too much to bare some days, most days.

    So sick of never having money, relying on others, no one understanding why I was so heart broken, I had two heart attacked in 2 years, when I did get a job my ex got me fired by calling and telling my boss lies, he almost got me evicted the same way. I tell you all this not for sympathy but to show you that I do know how you feel. So many times people say, “I know exactly how you feel” and they don’t have a clue! I don’t know exactly how you feel but when I read about your attempted suicide, your ex walking out and leaving you, my heart broke for you because there is a special pain that comes from the man you love wishing you dead and walking away. Is there anything more painful? losing a child would be but I can’t think of anything more painful than someone telling you to kill yourself, your life is worth nothing. If people don’t understand how devastating that is, how scarring, how absolutely cruel and soul destroying that is then there is something wrong with them. I just want to give you a huge hug and not let go until you start to squirm. LOL

    What I want to say is, 3 years ago I had no hope, none, I had no reason to live, I had no faith in God or a fair world, I could not see life ever getting better, it was all so overwhelming and insurmountable.

    My financial situation is not much better, I still live pretty much day to day money wise, my ex has reared his ugly head every few months trying to destroy anything good that comes my way, I have a heart condition that prevents me from ever making enough money to recoup all I have lost. But I have never been more at peace, never appreciated life more, and if given the choice of going back and rewriting history and not going through what i did with JC I would not do it, because it brought me here.

    I want to share how I got *here*. When i was like you and really had nothing to lose. I decided I was going to just be honest, it was all I had left, honest with myself and honest with those who were important to me. I stopped trying to be what others wanted me to be. My mom had disowned me when I went back to JC, but she and my step dad had done some stuff prior that affected my choice to go back and besides she basically handed me to him on a silver platter by disowning me. I know she thought she was doing the right thing but she was wrong. I decided to tell her i had attempted suicide, I told her how hopeless I felt and I told her I felt she let me down, that she didn’t even try to understand where I was coming from. It was hard to do, I didn’t want to hurt my mom but I knew I was packing so much pain from what she had done that we had to deal with it if we were to ever heal our relationship.
    We started with emails, then lunch, I didn’t harp on it but every once in a while I brought up the relationship between JC and I. I knew it made her uncomfortable but it didn’t stop me. I would feed her a bit of information at a time and to her credit she loved me enough to try. I know she doesn’t fully understand, I don’t fully understand but we are close again and she realizes she almost lost me.

    My brother will NOT listen, does not want to know or understand. I chose to keep him in my life because he is my brother but his lack of desire to know has hurt me and I refuse to pretend I am what he wants me to be. I can not “just get over it”.

    I don’t know how long you have been out of the relationship, but for me I went almost 2 years waking up every morning thinking, “I can not do this one more day.” and everyday I made it through. Until people started calling me inspirational. Inspirational? I was on the verge of giving up every single day, how can that be inspirational? Because I did it, we never know how strong we are until we are faced with a challenge, if we believed we could make it, it would no longer be a challenge right?

    This is getting kind of disjointed, I felt such a desire to get a message to you I haven’t organized my thoughts. The only thing I want to say really is this. Stop worrying about how other people perceive you, or what other think you should be doing or feeling and just be honest with yourself and your feelings. Tell people what you need and how you feel, if they do not want to hear it or take the time to understand then maybe you don’t need them in your life right now. I had to walk away from people who could provide me with things I needed because they were not healthy for me. They were judging me and not even trying to understand. With family like my brother i was more forgiving but I still did not alter how I acted and I sent him a long email explaining where I was coming from and he didn’t respond and I will never talk to him about it again. But I feel he is the loser and the weak one because he can’t handle it.
    With debt I called the debtors and I told them the truth, I just got out of an abusive relationship, I was lucky to get out alive but left with nothing and $5. I can not pay right now, I will pay when I can but my circumstances right now prevent me from paying, you can keep calling and you will get the same answer every time. They stopped calling. You can only do so much. I wasn’t allowed to finance my car insurance because I had gone into default and it takes two years before you are allowed to go monthly again. I called and I told the guy my circumstances and that in order to make money I needed my car. I told him to check my past payment record and said, “it is obvious I always made my payments before and it is just since being with my abusive ex I defaulted, can you please give me a chance?” and he did! and I have not defaulted. It is hard to be that honest but you never know how people will react. If you act like you are ashamed they treat you like you should be ashamed. Be proud of what you have accomplished, as you should be.
    You have been through hell and aren’t out of the woods yet, why should you pretend to be healed just to make other people feel better? they are uncomfortable with your pain, too bad! You must deal with these emotions or they will sit dormant for possibly years and eventually you WILL have to deal with them. You are NOT as strong as you used to be, for good reason, you have undergone extreme abuse and all your resources have been depleted, it is not up to anyone to tell you how you should be dealing with it. I would like to see anyone of those people go through what you have and just walk away and “get over it.”
    I am not saying to feel sorry for yourself and expect a free ride but be kind to yourself and don’t expect to be able to handle it all. You have been through a lot of stress and lack of sleep, not eating right, stress, loss of your marriage, the realization you were with someone who is incapable of love and the relationship was based on lies………….all of it adds up to being overly sensitive and emotional, short tempered, impatient, and teary. I could have a full blown temper tantrum over losing my car keys or breaking the yolk on my eggs in the morning. Life was just not fair!!
    As time has gone on I have gone back to my old self.
    Take an inventory of you. take all your traits,good and bad and analyze them, be honest with yourself, and take the lies you have been told about yourself and own the ones that fit you and toss the ones that never were yours to back. The little voice that says, “You don’t deserve to be happy” or “things never work out the way I want” and talk back to the voice, don’t let that inner critic define who you are. And then be the most genuine you that you can be and if people don’t like you too bad. You can’t please everyone anyway so might as well be the best genuine you that you can be. Once you are happy with who you are and make no apologies for who you are people will start to accept the you that you are. It is a constant growth and learning but so well worth the effort. And when you live a genuine honest life good things just fall in your lap and your faith starts to grow and all of a sudden you realize that you are happy, you have inner peace and so much of what used to matter just doesn’t any more and it is more important to take an hour and sit in the sun, listening to the birds sing, or watch children play. When you love yourself, you are able to set boundaries and stick to them and you know that you will never be hurt like that again because you are never going to compromise who you are again.
    I am sorry this has gotten so long. If you ever need someone to talk to when you feel life is weighing you down please do not hesitate to contact me I will listen. reimerc@outlook.com
    Be kind to yourself.

  4. I am pretty sure I don’t even know where to begin with a reply to your comment, so I will try to keep it as brief as I can.

    I would swear that all our exes are twins or cut from a mold devoid of humanity. How can anyone who calls themselves a human being do these horrific, cruel, malicious things to someone whose only transgression was that they loved them? I don’t care how many stories I hear, regardless of the methods and tactics they employee, they all sound like they are cut from the same cloth. And I will never in a million years think that what I went through was as bad as what anyone else endured. Probably because it because the norm in daily life and I became desensitized to it. Most things that happened with him I can talk about with little or no emotion, almost like I saw it in a movie somewhere once. These moods and the triggers remind me really fast that it was NOT someone else. It was me. So you have to know that reading what you’ve been through hurt me more in my heart that reading my own story ever could.

    I have to first at least try to ease your mind so you don’t worry too much about me. I’m never trying to do what I did that day ever again. Despite the obvious hurt and frustration and exhaustion in the post, believe it or not, I do love being alive. I am grateful I ways that I cannot describe, and I really don’t give a crap about the things I have lost. It’s just sometimes I take a step back to see how much I have accomplished and the stupid thing has grown. I fight all these battles endlessly and I don’t want to. All to not even get by. I can’t go where I want when I want. I am trapped in these four walls at my dad’s, and I go stir crazy. It’s too much like being locked up with Kevin, the only difference is I don’t get physically beat down anymore. This is one of my worst triggers, the feeling of being held against my will. And it’s probably what’s driving this hideous beast of a funk headlong into the fog. I just want it to stop, and I don’t know how to make it stop.

    I have analyzed myself to a tee. I have made lists. I have immersed myself in the muck and forced myself to address things that I needed to change. Some obviously I am still working on. lol

    I left December 14, 2012 at 7:45 a.m. It was chilly but sunny. I knew when I walked out the door with nothing but the clothes on my back and whatever was in my purse that I was not coming back. I didn’t have a solution, but I just knew I couldn’t go back. His anger was different that last ten hours that he tortured me. I never thought I was going to make it out of the apartment the next morning, and I know in my heart if I went back, I wouldn’t have left again. So that makes what, seventeen months on the 14th it will be. I thought maybe I’d be here for a year tops. This is pushing it. This was not on my schedule.

    • I’m so sorry Amy. I can honestly say I know how you feel. I mean, I’ve even had to set up a donation page to help my son and I out!

      But I’m hopeful things will get better for you.

      Lots of love. ❤

  5. Hi love… Being self sufficient is an everyday struggle of mine too, only I live with my parents bc my ex dictates my life from afar and uses my daughter as his pawn if I do something he feels wrong whether he violates the visitation agreement or not he keeps her from me and he takes every chance he can get to rub my situation in my face. Truthfully I’ve been in the bed for two weeks struggling to just get out he and his family stalk my blog and its like I have no freedom at all. Xoxoxo

    • I think it’s harder for survivors with children to heal or feel like there is how for things to get better. Once there is nothing else let to use as leverage, they use the children as a way to continue to inflict emotional abuse on you. There never really is resolution that allows you to move on. I feel even more foolish now for complaining about my situation. But I spent all yesterday in bed. I haven’t been sleeping much for two weeks so I have plenty of time to think. I can’t believe how courts work this out like this for parents who left an abuser.

      • Hey never feel foolish everyone has a right to complain speak out rant. That’s one reason other than my children that I won’t give in bc I have rights, God given rights. I respect you so very much for complaining 🙂 reminds me that I’m not alone an have someone if only here that I can connect with an feel comforted by 🙂 you are awesome and don’t let anyone tell you different 🙂

  6. Pingback: Not Who You Think I Am | The Musings of a Digital Vagabond

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