13 comments on “Open Up Your Eyes

    • When I first started my blog in Feb 2013, I had no pictures up, no about page, no personal information what-so-ever. That fear the he would somehow know was ripe and I was blinded by it and refused to let any of it slip. As time went on, that eased. I put up photos, I actually published a bio, and little by little it came, until I no longer edited out his first name, until I no longer hid mine, until I stopped consciously trying to hide where I live. I have several times caught myself almost putting in his last name, but I remove it. In time I am sure I will use it without even noticing.

      It comes in stages, but you will find with some things, you may have to fight that conditioning of fear for a while. It will come when you are comfortable with it, so just allow yourself as much time as you need. You are on your schedule, and no one else’s.

      • Well you’ve certainly come a long way and clearly helping so many other survivors/thrivers. I can see how the stages are happening…I have flitted between blogging, not blogging, shutting down and then sharing..same with testing the waters in dating (which is now clearly something I can’t handle just yet, even new friendships has been hard to make), although my “abuser” (it’s still hard for me to say that, accept that word…I resent that word now) is weakening in my eyes now that I have modified contact and more clarity/memories. I think the blogging is in fact a place of validation maybe for the emotional/psychological fog that I was in for so long, but I don’t think I can even compare my situation to what you went through, from the bits that I’ve read of your story.

        • I want you to think about one thing. How is what you went through any less important in its effects on you? It has left you with fear, doubt, insecurity, an inability to trust, and I imagine a fair amount of self doubt, correct? The one person on this earth who should have treated you with dignity, kindness, love, respect, and compassion repeatedly violated you. It matters not to me the type of abuse you endured. It is that you were caused emotional damage that is going to take fat longer to heal than you may have patience for. There are triggers and ptsd to navigate, emotional confusion, hurt, perhaps self blame, and fear. I have told several survivors what I am about to say to you. Emotional and verbal abuse is far more damaging to our emotional health than any amount of physical abuse ever can be. While the is a certain amount of fear and desperation that comes along with being in fear of losing your life, verbal and emotional abuse is far more insidious, because the damage pierces our hearts, makes us feel unworthy, worthless, and dead inside. We are verbally destroyed so we become empty vessels abusers fill with hateful cruelty and soul crushing garbage. Unlike cuts, bruises, welts, swelling, busted lips, black eyes, and broken bones that heal, we are left with emotional scarring that may never fully heal. I have myself continued to struggle with this in addition to my ptsd.

          To set your mind at ease, you have made it through the hardest part. Things will get easier for you as you get further away from the abuse, but there still will be rough patches along the way. I have them, and even survivors who are a decade or more still sometimes have to handle the side effects. You are stronger than you know. It takes unfathomable amounts of courage to work through your healing process, so when you start to catch yourself saying you are weak, immediately stop and reflect on how far you have come. And when you find yourself having a particularly bad rough spot, ask for help. Ask to let someone listen to you vent. We are human and cannot always carry the load on our own. It’s a heavy load and you don’t have to manage it alone. You do need a sport circle, and I have seen you on some blogs I follow. The best people to trust in the beginning are other survivors. We look out for each other, because we know how rough the road can be.

          • Thanks Marie…somehow I knew you might say that…it’s funny, I can be very strong in my words and writing as I talk the talk, but there are moments of sudden fear/freezing…it frustrates me… it’s funny, I just posted about being “strong” today, from an old blog of mine, and I guess when I first wrote that, I thought I was through the “worst”…sigh…and yes, I now recognize slowly slowly the damage of emotional/verbal abuse, especially as I begin to reconstruct the slow pattern of the cycle in my relationship with my ex, with my own family of origin…I now see so much more in perspective, but I also realize I am still unveiling it all. I suppose I am impatient and it is “easier” in some ways to be angry, or “slow burn” and focus the emotions…the revealing and healing process…some days are very normal indeed and joyous/free even…yet others are just tiring…and yes, I have been pouring through these blogs of other survivors and am so grateful for this network. I am amazed by the strength of women, constantly. But I know I am strong too. Somehow it’s always there when I need it…I feel strongly that other women pass this on to me. Thank you for your courage.

            • What I love about being a survivor is being a witness to the strength, courage, encouragement, and hope that each and every single one of us carry. Even in our lowest moments when it takes every last bit of our focus, energy, strength, patience, and will to make it through that horrible day, we are strong. When we struggle, we share with others and the others instinctively reach out to comfort us, even when we don’t come out and say we are. We are there for each other. We cry together, hurt together, soothe each other’s anger, alleviate the sadness, quiet the doubt, and silence the frustration. We never let each other fall. We never ignore a hand reaching out to us for help.

              But we also laugh together and forge friendships on levels so many will never be blessed enough to know during their lifetime. We celebrate together, mourn the loss of those who did not make it, and we serve as gloriously blinding examples that life does go on afterward, that it does get better. We share our scars, reveal unhealed wounds, and let each other know every step along the way, no matter how arduous, no matter how obnoxiously slow and tedious, is normal. That it all passes. That we are never alone. And most importantly, there will be happiness, laughter, and love.

              I do what I do out of love. Because I remember trying to get help and having that desperate call go ignored. I share my scars and wounds for all to see so in my healing I can help others heal, too. So they know they are one heart stronger who will love them and care for them and comfort them when they cannot muster the will to do it for themselves. So they know when they reach out into the darkness, someone will always be there waiting to help them into the light. That light is life, and after so much suffering and destruction, even on the bad days, it’s a beautiful one indeed.

              And each of you, no matter what type of abuse you endured, whether or not it was “as bad” as what was done to me or lasted the same amount of time… each and every one of you do that for me with every word, every picture, every day.

              With love and support,
              Amy Marie

              • Amy Marie, just re-reading this again after posting something on my blog today…I think you should get a ping back, hope it is ok that I referenced your words to me and your post…had a big “aha” moment. Thank you, my friend. My love and support back at you.

                • You can share, quote, re-blog any old thing you want to. I am glad to know that it resonated with you. Just keep reminding yourself that your pain is real, that you were abused, and it was wrong. Mostly remind yourself that you aren’t alone. We all battle with the side effects, triggers, and the impatience at our own healing.

                  Now if you will excuse me, I need to check out your post. 🙂

  1. Victims speaking out is the only way people will be educated and the abusers of the world will be disarmed. Right now it is the silence of the victims that allows them to continue using and abusing woman after woman.
    It takes courage but it feels so good to not keep their dirty secrets and protect them anymore. They are all so much alike, I read your post and thought I could have written it.
    I feel so foolish now. How I felt I had to be gentle with him because he had been so hurt in the past, and he was so in love with me. I lovingly explained how “real” love works, that he didn’t have to lie to me, I loved him just the way he was. I wasn’t going to leave him. He had so much potential, he just hadn’t been appreciated and loved like I loved him. He had never had anyone who accepted him exactly the way he was. How could those women have taken advantage of such a passive, sweet man. He treated me like a queen, never got angry, ever, we could discuss anything and everything, I could have never believed that in a year he would have his hands around my throat screaming at me that i was an ungrateful bitch and he should done it sooner.
    Then the apologies, the getting fired, moving to a remote area, sabotaging my vehicle so I couldn’t leave, the tracking device on my truck, the hidden camera.
    It is amazing that they think they can abuse a woman like that and she won’t say anything, she will crawl into a corner and lick her wounds praying he comes back to her to abuse her again.
    Good for you to say no more.

    • I wish you did not feel that foolishness. You are not the one who bears the responsibility for what he did. Abusers of all sorts are master manipulators and many of them have had multiple test runs so they can perfect and adapt their methods as necessary so they can entrap the next one. You did not lie. You did not display false affection and then turn in the cruelest of ways.

      Let him wear that badge, because it does not belong to you.

  2. Pingback: The importance of being validated | Rants and Runs

  3. I often wonder how other victims feel about telling their abuser’s next victim what he has in store for her. Fortunately, I personally haven’t had to deal with this, since my ex has decided he will never remarry because we had an “unbiblical” divorce. I have asked other women what they would do. Some say they would to prevent her going through the hell they went through. Others say they would be afraid to, for fear of reprisals from the abuser. I wonder what your other readers would say?

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