5 comments on “Origins: The Consequences of My Imperfection

    • Ah it was bound to come out sooner or later. Generally I go on about my life without thinking about it, but there are some situations every so often that bring everything back up. Most of them time, I just let it be what it is, but this past weekend, I was overwhelmed. I pity her that she is missing out on my life to the extent that she is. There is so much about me she will never know or understand, but I don’t feel like she really even is bothered by that. I have turned out to be a strong, beautiful woman, and she just really has no clue. Makes me even more thankful for those I have in my life who DO recognize what I am worth.

  1. I have a little experience with wounded kids on the inside… She can know it wasn’t her and you’re doing what you need to do until she can understand it.
    The longest distance in all existence is that between the head and the heart.

    • What can I say to give you more insight, at least into how it has affected me into adulthood? I think the worst of it is the fear of abandonment I carry and struggle with my self-worth. For me, it’s expected that not everyone is going to see the value you have inside, and some aren’t even going to care to try, but when it’s a parent, there is a pain I can’t quite explain. It would be less hurtful in my mind if she gave me up in infancy. She wouldn’t have known me, so how could she have grown any connection to me? But by doing what she did, it was almost saying to me that she did so AFTER getting to know me, and she decided she didn’t want me because I was defective. This one thing has impacted me more than anything that has happened in my entire life except obviously the abuse I endured with Kevin.

      I truly believe that this is where my obsession with picking everything apart and examining, analyzing, and categorizing every last little part of something comes from. I have been able to rip open and understand everything but this one thing. Sadly, I don’t think I will ever be able to reconcile this, because my logic tells me this just shouldn’t even happen. I also know where my fear of abandonment comes from…. as a result I can seem to be very aloof and guarded even after I get attached. Very few have ever gotten to know who I really am inside. I selfishly hoard it away, because if I don’t put it all out there, no one can throw it away like it had no value. I also have lived caught in a chase after others’ approval like their opinions of things I say and do, how I look, etc are the end all, be all of my self worth.

      Even in all this struggle, I am sad for her that she is missing out on my life. She has no idea what she gave up. No idea at all.

      • Given your description, she likely suffers from a mental illness she cannot or will not admit to. While I understand the sigma attached, to never own up to the fact her own shame is likely why she could never reconnect is hard, if not impossible, to forgive.
        But it’s not your responsibility to understand why, however deep the need for the information… Trying to break down the why can be an obstacle to letting go. It’s so easy to get mired in the details and forget to take care if the emotional wounds caused by the act.
        I can’t say how to get there because everyone’s journey is different… But for the first 37 years of my life, there was so much negative and so much abuse, I had no access emotionally or otherwise to anything else. As I processed and processed and processed, in what seemed an endless rehashing of the past, I was able to find healing for the wounds. As the wounds of the past were healed, the fog of negative cleared, allowing room for those good moments to come forward too.
        My family wasn’t prepared for me. They were fully prepared to accept av adopted child as their own but in the 70’s there was little to no awareness of the unique needs of an adopted child… Especially one who had been hurt and thrown away.
        My endless need for reassurance and affection was seen as negative attention seeking and I ended up further isolated from bonding to the family which had chosen me. As a result, I sought connection in other ways, resulting in repeated sexual abuse. By age 3 my psyche had already splintered at least once and that soon became my primary coping mechanism.
        That splintering happens to most trauma survivors… Just not always to the degree of developing DID/MPD. Trauma is trauma and post traumatic issues occur on a wide spectrum… But recovery is the same… Dealing with the trauma, recognizing how it has changed you (which you are clearly doing) and allowing yourself room to change your emotional responses. Is one thing to know in your thoughts that you are not to blame, it’s another to feel in your very core that those events no longer have the right to keep you from living fully and free of the past.
        I won’t carry on… Just know I recognize your pain see someone fully strong enough to take it on and break its hold. Thank you for telling your story.

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