As the days tick by, I have been doing this crazy thing called living my life. Even in the chaos in my head, I have been practicing being happy in my reclamation of freedom. I use the phrase “practicing being happy,” because as many of you know from personal experience, even though I have immeasurable gratitude and joy for freedoms for the smallest of things I probably never noticed before, some days and weeks I find myself fighting off the demon still trying to talk over me in my own head. They can say hateful things and sometimes almost win out over the voice of reason that has finally made her way back home. It generally makes its way to a point of imminent crisis, and then somehow my logic drowns out his hissing that venomous garbage.
In the last few weeks since I last posted, I have had some wonderful things in my personal life working themselves out. Things I am disgustingly excited about, yet that nagging beast is in the background trying rain on my parade. I have a three-day even over the weekend that I have been planning for and fretting over to the point where I have driven a few people close to me to the edge of distraction. Holes in my confidence are appearing, but at least I know I am now at the point that I know what’s causing is and I am not letting Kevin’s phantoms win. I just might have a visitor coming to attend said event with me. Just maybe one person in particular whom I have not seen in seven years.
At any rate (don’t you hate it when people leave you hanging?!), I apologize for my absence, but like I said, I have been a very busy girl, and I show no signs of stopping. Provided that Audrey III doesn’t grow fast enough in the next several days to completely envelop me her foliage (yes this picture above is Audrey III, perched precariously above my head), I expect to resume a near normal posting schedule beginning next week.
Some of my outings include lunch on the lake. Soak it up. 🙂
Also, I may have obliged a craving for something from my Japan days. I call this salmon heaven.
And I rather enjoy cheesecake and chocolate… especially when I can indulge on them both at the same time!
And I have also been taking random photos, as always. So nice of my job to plant purple flowering plants by the entrance just for me!
And I must apologize to some of you who were thrilled that short-sightedly lobbed off my hair and gave myself bangs, but those heifers had to go! I am always going to be a bangless girl at heart. Note the subtle taunting look on my face.
And mind-boggling to me…. this was how I looked after I left in December 2012. Ladies and gentlemen, Amy has arrived. For those of you who have not even lived through abuse, this is how it looks. This photo below is remnants of punches to the face and exhaustion so oppressive that it oozes through your pores. A year and a half later, you can still see signs of the last black eye I will ever have. But the exhaustion and weight of what I was carrying is gone. For those of you who have just left and feel like the injuries and burden will not subside, for those of you who feel like it will not get better, that the pain and fear associated with memories will never fade, use this as proof that you have hope. You just need to give it time. Just give it time. The ugliness will start to go away. Just love yourself. You have suffered enough.