11 comments on “What I Want Those Trapped in Abuse to Know

  1. I’m out of an abusive relationship, and I still sighed with relief after reading this excellent post! Abuse is SO bewildering, it really sticks with you. I love the clarity, validation, and support you provide.

    THANK YOU!!!

    • The things I wish someone could have told me. Even if I had to hear them a few times, it would have helped. I believe for this reason, we as survivors are motivated to reach out to others…. whether it’s in a big way like non-profits, education / awareness outreach, legislation or in smaller more personal ways like blogging or even if you as an individual learn about someone escaping abuse to just privately reach out to them and offer your support. Every act, every kind word may be something small yet profound. If I have made one person’s world less harsh, if I have made a burden less difficult to bear, it helps me continue to heal as well.

      I’m glad you were able to take some relief away with you. Peace is good for the heart.

  2. This post is amazing. It took all my courage to go no contact with my abusers and that day was the day the real healing started! Thank you for spreading awareness!

    • My abuser was not a narcissist, and by the time the relationship was about midway, he was so brutal and cruel and violent in ways I can’t even relay, he had succeeded in killing off every single positive feeling I had toward him. For me, there was no confusion. There was just trying to get away. Some people asked me if I felt shafted because of that lack of emotional connection, but I absolutely do not. It made it that much easier for me to leave on the first attempt. I feel hurt for those who get pulled back in multiple times and can’t imagine how it must feel to have to battle that inborn characteristic of the love developed for them (whether it’s romantic love or love we carry for our family) to get the logical knowledge that they are abusive to overrule that love. No contact is so tough to initiate but even harder to maintain until you get to a point where you are emotionally stable enough to not get pulled in again. I am happy for you that you were able to go no contact AND follow through.

      With love and support,
      Amy

  3. This post is so helpful! I loved this line “6. If you tell someone, you will be taken seriously. Abusers are skilled manipulators. They present themselves to the outside world, co-workers, family, and friends, as being kind, caring, loving, and compassionate.” No one ever seemed able to comprehend that my mum could be so cruel because she was always really generous etc in public. Also, what you said about it not being the victims fault. Sometimes I think about the threats my mum made and her conditions (I’ll keep buying you food if you act a certain way) and I think, “Oh, that wasn’t that unreasonable, I was over reacting.” But you saying that abuse is never deserved is reassuring.

    • As victims of abuse, whether it be in a romantic relationship or familial, we are conditioned to respond to their threats in a way that enables them to continue their behavior. But we are also trained to believe that it is our fault. That we wouldn’t be insulted, verbally shredded, or hit if we didn’t talk back, if we did what we were told, if we did something right for once. Generally, the abuser will go behind our backs and speak negatively of us so others even think less of us… which in our minds reinforces that the abuser is actually not at fault and that we were wrong, that we needed the correction. This perpetuates the cycle because they are after holding on to that power and control no matter how they have to hurt and destroy us to do it.

      Even now, I will sometimes think about stories of other survivors and feel like a jerk because I automatically feel that everyone else suffered more than I did and that maybe it wasn’t really that bad for me…. that I too overreacted. I also make it a point when I hear other survivors talk about how they didn’t really go through anything compared to me to correct them. They do so because the abuse became a normal routine in their lives, because they have disassociated themselves emotionally from it, and probably because a part of them still believes that it wasn’t entirely the abuser’s fault. It’s important for me that I remind them that what they went through isn’t any less valid than my abuse – that I just suffered in a different way. The amount of time and type doesn’t disqualify you from being abused. What matters is that you were repeatedly harmed, violated, and in fear of the person or people on this earth who were supposed to keep you safe and love you and protect you no matter what. No matter what!

      I correct them when they say they shouldn’t have done this or that and they would not have gotten angry. Because the thing is, if we didn’t talk back, if we didn’t burn dinner, if we didn’t do anything wrong, the abuser is only going to continue to scrutinize until they find one thing, no matter how insignificant, to pick a fight about. Even if you did say something out of the way or broke something or whatever happened…. nothing ever – and I mean NEVER – justifies being verbally or physically violent with someone. Abuse is a crime. Society punishes strangers who harm us. But so much they look the other way when it comes to situations where it’s family or couples, saying it’s not their business. That it’s a domestic issue. That this man or that woman would “never” harm their significant other or children because they don’t “look like an abuser.” And that makes it even more dangerous.

      • Wow! Thank you for writing all that. I’m totally on board with you in all of that. It’s what I try to remind myself all the time since it is hard not to slip into thinking “it wasn’t that bad for me” or “I did do something wrong.” And it’s so true what you said about people looking the other way in domestic abuse, even though in a lot of ways it’s worse because if a stranger hurts you that’s one thing but if someone who knows you and is supposed to love you does, it invalidates your worth.

  4. Pingback: Ray Rice and the Pregnancy of Emotional and Verbal Abuse | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s