13 comments on “Sometimes What’s Best Isn’t Always Convenient

  1. There is something healing about water. Living on a lake has been a the biggest catalyst to my healing since leaving, nature, water, fresh air. I truly don’t know how I would have ever managed to if I had not found this place.
    The abuse you suffered was so much more severe than what I went through but I too left because I knew if I stayed he would kill me, something in his eyes, he wasn’t “toying” with me any more, it was his sister who refused to come back to the house because she was sure he would kill me and she was afraid she would be there when it happened. She asked me not to go back but I did, for a few weeks and then left with nothing. Ten years invested and I left with $5, a few clothes and my truck barely running because he had destroyed it. I couldn’t get a bank account either but a really nice lady at one of the credit unions I went to felt sorry for me, listened to my story and gave me a saving account. That was 3 years ago and now I have a bank card and can write cheques etc. No credit yet, but that’s ok.
    It will come with time, you have come so far, just keep looking forward and be patient with yourself. You have done amazingly well, you are strong, I believe you will be rewarded for what you have endured and life will be good, better than it ever has been.

    • Oh Carrie, patience with others is easy for me. I haven’t figured out the angle on directing it back to myself yet. This isn’t a new thing, it’s an ages old battle with me.. all the time I spent trying to chase approval growing up and the frustration of not ever seeming to be able to get it…. and it turned into no patience for me.

  2. Wow, powerful words. Thank you for giving voice to all those questions that you had to wrestle with. There are so many women out there that have had to go through what you went through. I am sorry that you still walk in fear. Claim Christ over the darkness, for he is light. You are free! What a courageous woman you are. Be proud and walk forward. (You’ll get to drive your car soon!) Meghan

    • It’s hard in some ways being a survivor of abuse. Some people seem to have no comprehension that the choices are not as simple as they like to insist they are. When I wrote this, I had just one too many people invalidate something I said, and the post I planned was apparently put on hold for this venting. What many fail to consider is that in some way, we as victims of abuse and then even as survivors are often forced to choose between the lesser of two evils. No matter the choice there always seems to be loss and aftermath to navigate. And sometimes when we are faced with those choices, they are spur of the moment and we cannot consider any of the consequences that will follow. Always more questions than answers. Always. Thank you for your comment.

  3. You are one of the strongest most inspirational people I’ve gotten to know over WordPress and frankly, that I’ve ever met. How you came out of that half the woman you are is detriment to the fact that no man, woman, human will ever break you. Always here, Ros x

    • Hi sweetie, how’s the little one doing? How are you and the husband holding up? You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers every day, just try to keep staying as positive as possible. I know it’s difficult under the circumstances.

      It’s funny that you say my progress shows that I cannot be broken. The thing is, when I left, I felt like I was not only broken, but completely shattered. I never thought I’d find myself, and I hated looking at the mentally and physically beaten down stranger in the mirror and having to face the reality that I was never coming back. I was as lost as anyone when I left, but there were some important factors that I think maybe helped me out a little more and gave me an advantage that many don’t have. The first one was having to face so much turmoil and hurt growing up. I have to say it’s made me more resilient that even I will admit here, but I think once you’ve reached a point where you have had to constantly battle and overcome, it becomes a part of you whether you know it or not. Second, I am stubborn and push back until I can’t anymore. Kevin’s will won out a lot because of his physical strength and the fear he put into me, but I never really stopped fighting against him even when I realized I was resigned that I was going to die with him. A lot of people don’t exactly understand how I can say that, because if you resign yourself to something you give up in a way, so there isn’t really any fight left in you…. but that stubbornness never really went away completely, and I think a good deal of being able to endure through that was that I didn’t just lay down in the corner and die like I wanted to. I was in survival mode, but he had to fight against me pretty hard even when he was going full tilt on me. I am sure that had I been there even a little while longer, he would have broken that too. But the other thing, and the thing that so many survivors of abuse leave and either have it damaged or broken altogether is my faith in God. It came to a point where that was all I had left, and looking back on how some things worked out, even up to now, I can’t deny that I see His hand in it. There is too much to be just coincidence.

      I guess it also helps (oddly enough) that I have battled depression since my junior high years. I love life. Even at the times when I am down, miserable, and feel like everything is pointless or meaningless, I try to remind myself that I love being alive. I have had some close calls. I have attempted suicide twice, one of those with my ex. People misunderstand and think I didn’t want to live. I wanted to live. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that the pain I have to battle through gets so dark and incessant and smothering that I reach a point where all I want it for it to stop. I wanted the feeling of being trapped and slowly suffocated to death to stop, and I get blinded by it sometimes. But I always battle through it. Why? Resilience, stubbornness, God, and the memory of vitality when things are good. I don’t want to give any of that up, and nothing or no one is taking that from me. Not even the monster it took over four years to escape.

      I am sure that someone could have the power to take away my life. I got some hope in there, I have my courage, I have life, and I have fight in me. It would be a rough bout for them if they try to shatter me. I actually pity whoever tries, because after all this struggle, I’ve been oddly built up when I would have expected to be permanently destroyed. And I share it with everyone willing to listen, because having that self-doubt eat away at you is torturous. If I can help encourage someone enough that they see there is hope, even if it takes some struggle, the faith in yourself will come. We all need hope.

  4. Im so happy you are finding refuge in nature, I go there often to be alone. Nature can provide precious moments that can last a lifetime, I wish you well and hope you continue to heal from the abuse and neglect you have suffered. Your writing also gives me hope and courage to fight back.

    • I know a big part of the physical environment around me has had an impact on my progress. The quiet gave me the necessary time to face and handle things I couldn’t with distractions, and it also kept me at a safe enough distance away from him so I could build up my courage without having to constantly worry about him coming through and ripping it away. I’m struggling a little with my nerve right now because I am thinking about moving forward and having him charged. In NY I have up to 3 years for DV assault. Since I never had him arrested and no one else had him arrested there isn’t anything to get him on a felony…. would have allowed me up to 5. I’m glad you are able to get encouragement and hope from what I share here. I wish you the best and thank you for your comment.

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