23 comments on “The Reality of Financial Abuse: The Aftermath is a Monster

    • Sorry, my posts sometimes tend to be long. I try to keep them about half as long as this one turned out, but doing so meant a lot got left out. If it takes me a while to reply comments, please don’t think I’m ignoring you. I have my comments set up for approval before they show up. Once someone has commented a few times, I usually just approve and reply when my schedule permits. I was sick this weekend, so I basically posted and logged off. Hope your weekend went well.

  1. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. So much about what you wrote about reminds me of my ex. I praise God that I got out before he totally broke me. God bless you!

    • Ah well, can’t change what’s happened. I do need to work on maintaining positivity in this respect, because it makes me angry when I think about it. While I never had perfect credit, I had a good score and I was careful with my money. And all that effort has been destroyed by… him. I wonder sometimes what the total damage is that he has left behind. I am sure it’s a disgusting amount. All I can do now is go forward. ❤

  2. Oh boy can I relate! OMG this whole post I was nodding my head and thinking, yep that is exactly what happened to me too. My mom had given me money to fly to see my son for my birthday (before she disowned me because of the N) The morning I was to fly out he refused to drive me until I gave him every dime I had and I still missed the flight. I started to cry and he consoled me and paid the extra for the next flight out (out of MY money)
    He sabotaged my vehicles so I couldn’t work. I hid money behind pictures, taped under tables, but he would know I must have money and refuse to buy groceries.
    We also got evicted, we also slept in the vehicle in Walmart parking lot.
    No insurance on vehicles, he stole all my ID.
    I borrowed from everyone I knew trying to get my truck running and he had it so messed up it never ran right.
    He also lied to everyone and had his sister believing I laid on the couch doing drugs, drinking, smoking and eating donuts all day and he just could not make enough money to keep me happy. He showed her his financial records to prove it. She came to me pissed and I showed her my records and she stayed with us saw with her own eyes that I was not lying. Thank God because she was my sanity, I had no one by that time.
    It has been 4 years and I now have a bank account again, but I can not get any utilities, or credit anywhere. The first year after I left him I put every dime I made into paying the shops that gave me credit to repair my truck and to pay off my exs step dad because he lent me money to fix my truck. I spent over $10,000 to fix my truck and it was still not running when I left.
    But he tells everyone he put $10,000 into it and I bled him dry.
    If my truck wasn’t running I wasn’t making money, and he would badger me for days on end about money he said I owed him. I knew I didn’t owe him but he was relentless until I paid him, I would get punched in the head and then go out to work in my uninsured truck. I got caught and fined. I owed the insurance company $5000 and couldn’t get insurance but he was driving a car in my name and they would not take my name off of it without the plates. It was in my name but the cops told me if I went to get it they would charge me with theft, possession is 9/10 of the law.
    He was driving transport trucks without a valid drivers license and my car without insurance and my hands were tied. Until I reported him to the DL office and that got him fired so he went on a vendetta for revenge.
    Two heart attacks due to the stress for over 10 years means I can’t do what I used to and right now I am working to try and get funding to reeducate.
    But the financial issues have held me back in so many ways. It is hard to feel confident when you don’t know how you are going to survive day to day. To ask for help is so demeaning and there is no help from the government. No body can live on welfare. I don’t want handouts either, just a hand up.
    I was a home owner with a flawless credit rating for 20 years and like you said, they only look at the bad stuff and never ask “what happened?” some doesn’t just become irresponsible overnight after always paying their bills for over 20 years.
    Anyway, I empathize and totally understand what you are going through. I hope things get better for you soon. Have you thought of putting a Donate button on your blog? It seems just when I am at my breaking point some generous angel will donate $50 or even $20. it all adds up.
    And I don’t know how many hits you get per month but if it is I think 20,000 you can put Wordads on your blog. It is only about $90 a month for my blog but its $90 more than I had before.
    Good Luck 🙂 Hugs

    • Well, I truly believe all our abusers are related… being that they must be seeds of the devil. So disgusting what they put others through and have the nerve to go on like they didn’t do anything. I’m sorry that you understand how all this feels. People who haven’t been abused probably don’t understand but the thought someone else identifies kills me. I don’t want anyone to understand, even though on the other hand, I do.

    • Carrie, There is no justice. I’m even reluctant to go for divorce because even though I kept him for 6 years with my money, he will have every last penny. The hard part to me is the courts seem to support the perpetrator of a terrible crime and don’t acknowledge the victims suffering – they even cause more suffering. I didn’t know you’ve had heart attacks. It’s amazing how strong you are and have had to be. We can’t let these wospos evil beings grind us down.

  3. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
    Very good post by Sweetmarie about financial abuse and how debilitating it is and how it hold the victim back from healing. AND the lack of understanding from society and friends and family. Unfortunately most victims are left in financial ruin on top of all the other abuse they have suffered.

  4. I also had to give my ex-husband most of my assets in order to secure the divorce and even my own family said, “So what? Just start over again.”
    Why is that okay? It seems to me that people will make excuses for any kind of abuse as long as they can avoid facing it.
    And it does take more than a paying job to recover. I had to leave so many documents behind: tax returns, bank statements, identification.
    From your story, I think the worst part is that because your abuser used the system to protect himself from prosecution, he is a real threat to women and children everywhere. I can tell you that I wouldn’t get released from driving without a license or insurance, etc. Shame on those cops. Don’t they have sisters and daughters?

    • Unfortunately, they won’t get it… the only way is if it happened to them. They have no concept of how urgent financial stability is to be able to live an even partially decent life. I think they also misunderstand that being wiped to zero and being plunged into the negatives are entirely different things. You may struggle when you lost enough but can still meet your current obligations. After a while you can catch up. But, if you are forced to leave the home, if you have to give up the bigger share of the assets to someone when you leave, and you have debts… it will take years to even get back to barely making it. It’s not so much of a recovery at this point as it is a frantic rush to stop the bleeding from every last inch of you. And add to it the financial documents… you are then put at risk of having your identity stolen and things fraudulently opened in your name that you are going to have to put out more resources you don’t have to hold them accountable. If anything is even done about it.

      My ex is an example of a worst case scenario. I just got out before he finished the job. Unfortunately I fear that the next one he traps might not make it out alive. This is what keeps me thinking about at the very least filing a report so there is documented history on file. It might not save her but it might help nail him to the wall. In NY I have up to 3 years for an assault but it’s hard knowing others’ safety depends on what I do and don’t do every day of my life. I was already awarded the stay away order in family court but that expired in January of this year. The judge offered him that he didn’t have to admit guilt if he didn’t contest the order, and of course being the type he is, he took it. The story just gets worse as it goes. It’s so sad, because I have guessed that he’s been doing this to people about 20 years or so, and I’m the first one that ever even showed up to court to get an order. He was shocked when he saw me.

  5. In the midst of making a safe escape, financial troubles seem minor. Once the dust started to settle for me, came the clean up. I was also the sole wage earner, and carried all of the family insurance, as well as paid all the bills. I had to keep paying the premium for my abuser’s health insurance and car insurance (though he was driving my vehicle and refused to return it to me). On top of that, he went through three attorneys, demanding all sorts of things that ended up costing me a good part of a year’s salary. I was blessed to have family to lean on…When it looked like it would drag on toward the end, I moved in with my parents, as the end seemed to never come. I hope that those who read your words will gain more understanding of the effects of financial abuse.💜

    • Well, I actually tried to wait it out for an opportunity where I could keep everything in tact, but it wasn’t worth the price I’d have to pay, because it would have meant dying. I didn’t have to worry about insuring him, because when I left, I was temping and couldn’t afford their insurance. I didn’t want to move in with family because I felt I was putting them at risk, but when I found out there wasn’t a shelter in my county and the ones in surrounding counties were full, I pretty much had no choice. I gave myself a year to get back on my feet, but now having to face so much reality I fear I might have at least another year before I can move out. It’s that bad, and all I want is to be on my own again. I am a grown woman. I don’t want to be living like this, but at this point, I have no choice. People tell me to be thankful, and I am, but it’s different when you’re in that situation. So I am good at tuning it out now. Plus if they are in front of me talking, all I have to do is turn off the hearing aid. Selective hearing! Oooops….

  6. This is an amazing article. Thanks for sharing it. It’s yet another case of the victim suffering at the hands of the authorities even after the escape. The evil perpetrator is free to reoffend and no help or compensation for the victim.

    • They have no qualms about putting us through the motions and giving us false hope that something will come of it, but eventually you learn how the system works, and it is NOT geared toward helping us in the manner we truly need. Thank you for your comment.

  7. Your post has so much insight into the dynamics of abusive relationship. People who have never experienced this kind of relationship have no idea of all the elements that make up the story i.e. the emotional and verbal abuse at the beginning and the escalation into physical, sexual and financial abuse. People who don’t know have no right to judge because they simply have no clue what bravery, what strength and determination it takes to leave and stay away. Well done for your great courage and I am sure that with your determined spirit you will reach a point when you are able to afford the things you deserve. I have been living apart from my abusive husband for 7 months now and I have to catch myself everytime I have a weak moment and believe that he could change or things could be different. I am fighting the tendency I have to give people second and third chances.

    • True they have no right to judge, but that doesn’t quite seem to stop them. Somehow they think with their lack of personal experience, they have it all figured out. I learned early on to not shoulder their criticism and judgment of me and the situation I am in. When they try to pile the stigma on, I give it back and tell them to put it where it belongs.

      By the time I left, because the man who had abused me had put me through so much horrible stuff because of the life he lives, I absolutely despised him. there was no emotional pull back for me. I just had to wait for the window of opportunity, and when it came, I fled. What is important to remember is not to get down on yourself when you catch yourself missing the “good times,” but never forget the truth behind who he is. It doesn’t make you a bad person to struggle with this. It’s an indicator of your being able to forgive or try to find the good in him. But never ever forget that when he was being abusive to you…. this is when he showed you who he really is. When you feel that pull, remind yourself or something bad he did to you and remember that it was deliberate. He does not deserve your second chance, and you deserve life. Stay strong. It will get easier, I promise.

      With love and support,
      Amy

    • Can you send me an email? I’m still very protective with my profiles because I’m still wary of my ex lurking. It’s been under two years. If you’re in immediate danger, you need to call the police. Are you safe?

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