The inaccuracy of “You’ve left, so it’s over!” is never more apparent than it is now. It isn’t that the constant struggles with my self-confidence weren’t enough verification for me that the abyss delves deeper than any eye can see. It isn’t that the constant battles I have to wage against persistent PTSD triggers failed to convince me that I was going to need to expend more effort than I could have imagined to navigate each day of my life. It isn’t even the nagging physical symptoms I have left that failed to keep me in check as constant reminders that I really endured the brutal acts of violence he heaped upon me. It’s this thing that no one seems to want to acknowledge or talk about even as they criticize my slow progress. It’s this brick wall that stands between me and almost everything I both want and need to do in my life. It’s those dreaded chains holding me back, holding me down, as the intangible metal fetters cut into me every time I struggle to just move forward. I’m not greedily expecting a foot of leeway be extended to me each time I exert the effort. An inch would be nice. Even a modicum of progress would be appreciated. Not being buried in quicksand unable to breathe would be welcome.
I am referring to the side effects of financial abuse. To look at those words, some would assume it’s not so harmful. That it really can’t have tentacles pressing into the flesh so hard that all life is lost. That they couldn’t be so strong that they would prevent our breaking free. To look at those words, many assume that simply having a job is the cure. That if we learned responsibility, it wouldn’t be an issue. That it must be somehow our fault. Many go so far as to even dismiss the possibility that financial abuse could be a valid reason why it is so difficult for us to get out. Why are they so afraid, so adamant to even so much as entertain the plausibility of the fact that the damage of financial abuse can be so dramatic and far-reaching, it can actually keep us trapped in the one place we do not want to be?
On paper, I look like a failure. Any eye would look at me and judge me by the numbers, scoffing at my financial state as though I caused it. They don’t ask why, because the second they have looked upon it, I have been dissected, analyzed, catalogued, and dismissed as a risk, wasteful, juvenile, immature, and to some, unworthy. Few think to ask, “Why is just this small portion of her life such a mess? Why before now is there not one scratch? Why so serious when there was nothing before?” Why do they not ask what happened before jumping to conclusions and reacting to something that did not actually happen? Just because you see the numbers, it does not mean you know the story. Black and white is not always so clear and decipherable. Sometimes you actually need to see the equation worked out before you can arrive at an answer.
Financial abuse is one of the most often offered responses we give when others ask why we do not leave, and it is one of the more readily dismissed of them at the same time. “But you had a job! How can you not afford to leave?” “Saying you had children to worry about is an excuse.” “You’re just not accepting responsibility for the choices you made.” As if I need anyone staring me in the eye, finger waving in my face, telling me the many reasons I am to blame for my circumstances and what was done to me while I was abused. I promise you, I and many others have struggled with this self-blame on our own and do not require additional assistance in building it up any further. It’s overwhelming enough on its own. What we eventually come to learn is that we are not to blame for the circumstances we are left to shoulder as we battle for years to work on cleaning them up. If you would stop speaking long enough to not only HEAR but LISTEN AND CONSIDER what we are saying, those of you who insist on saying we are just making yet one more excuse would learn priceless information that could help reform laws governing this area of abuse and make it easier to hold the abusers accountable for this choice THEY made as well.
Some do not understand how financial abuse can occur or how it can become so restrictive that it actually becomes a deterrent to us leaving the abusive relationship. What they need to first recognize is, that just as the dynamics in the relationship all interplay with each other to create an impossible situation, so, too, do the methods used, their severity, and the duration. There is no ONE single contributor to being trapped and unable to leave. There is no ONE method of abuse employed. It is NEVER so simple. Financial abuse is just one thread in the tapestry the abuser weaves around us as they lock us in and immobilize us, but past the emotional damage and severe physical injury or death, it is one of the most catastrophic events to ever have to attempt to recover from, and society’s attitude toward it is but one influence among a myriad of them. Your financial life is one of the biggest determiners of the quality of life you are able to achieve: the home you are able to afford, the area you are able to live, a car in dependable condition, meals, utilities, clothing, education, the ability to get loans, bank accounts, entertainment, vacations, medical care, raising children. When you are financially abused, everything is pulled out from underneath you. Your options are literally severely limited or, if the financial abuse in combination with the other methods used is severe enough, they can be entirely stripped away from you leaving you just one step, one breath from disastrous financial hardship: having to choose between a necessary medication or a meal, how many you can afford to feed (how many parents have had to forgo meals so their children could eat?), having to walk because you lost the car and you either can’t afford even a bus pass or there could be no transit, utility shutoffs, and homelessness.
In my own experience, the financial abuse was devastating, even crippling, and the progression of his implementation of the forms of abuse was the perfect storm. It wasn’t a simple case of “Give me your paycheck!” and I just handed it over. Even though I was the only one working full-time (or when out of work receiving unemployment), due to the low cost of living, there was enough money to pay housing, utilities, phone, food, and have a car (a decent one) on the road and still have a little money left over. So what went wrong? Here are just a few of the factors that contributed to my current state:
- I was the only one bringing in steady money.
- He is incapable and unwilling to handle money responsibly and stick to a budget.
- He didn’t feel like he needed to stick to a budget, because he feels an overwhelming sense of entitlement.
- If he doesn’t get his way by willing cooperation, he will exact it by force.
- He stacks friends in the right places. This, as his choosing to abuse, is also deliberate and thought out and implemented in advance.
- He is physically far stronger, has about one hundred pounds on me, and is brutally violent.
- Even though everything in the apartment was secured by my money, he took control of everything and constantly called it his.
- He kept the keys to the car, and even though he would scream at me for not driving, he wouldn’t let me drive.
- He took my cell phone and would not allow me one of my own.
- He started slowly cutting me off from my family by not letting me visit them, not having them over, and then not letting me answer their calls or call them back.
- He started only allowing me to communicate with them when he would bully me into calling to ask for something: money, rides, food, etc. When my family got tired of this and I would call them by sneaking in a call when he had left a phone at home, they would not answer the phone. Not even when I started leaving voicemails telling them I wasn’t calling to ask for anything. I was calling for help to get out.
- One of his sisters knew detailed facts about the abuse and never attempted to intervene. She only warned me well after he had already began physically abusing me.
- He talked to others about me behind my back and lied to them about how horrible of a person I was. He would do the same to me about everyone else. Not only did I not know who I could trust, the probability they thought I was crazy and making it up was fairly high.
- He began using drugs and stole my card out of my wallet in the middle of the night and spent my paycheck and also overdrew the account $1000 before the ATM cut him off. When I approached the bank about this, as he had made himself well-known among the tellers, they refused to help, only telling me to tell him to be more careful. When I called the bank headquarters, they refused to hear me as well, and since I needed the money to pay rent, I agreed to a payment plan and they credited the next paycheck to the account instead of taking it in its entirety.
- He applied for assistance and sold food stamps for drugs.
- He would steal my paychecks by force. In other words, he would beat on me until I relented.
- I had to close out my 401K. Since after the second time he overdrew my account into the hole $1000 (despite me having the bank take off the overdraft protection) and I could not pay it back, I could not have a bank account. They seized what little was in the savings. We had the money with his sister, and I endured beatings for this money as well. When there wasn’t much left, he called her behind my back and told her I said he could have the money, and she transferred it to him without my permission.
- Because he was burning through the money, bills stopped getting paid. I was forced to quit college. I lost my life insurance. The phone was turned off.
- When were unable to pay a bill on time (which was every month for everyone), he made me call begging for more time and making excuses.
- The car insurance lapsed multiple times, resulting in suspension of my driving privileges and the registration on the vehicle. He continued driving it anyway.
- He sold my possessions to get drugs and allowed others to steal things and sell them as well.
- We were evicted 4 times.
- Once upon a time we lived in the car, parking overnight at a truck stop.
- He had people watching me, monitored calls, texts, and emails.
- The only person I was allowed to have contact with was his sister. Eventually that was cut off as well.
- I owed the State and the IRS back taxes to 2010 (now paid off).
I know some of these may not be so obvious to those of you who have no experience with abuse, but I also know those who have been through already have the clear picture in their head as to how they are all related. First it’s important to know that none of the other six types of abuse occur without verbal / emotional abuse first being employed. This is the priming method which renders us suitable to them, even malleable enough that they can move on and add fuel to the fire. We didn’t wake up one morning as say to ourselves, “Wow, I think stability and security is for losers. Let me set myself up for financial destruction!” They first have to cause a near-total loss of our self-esteem and manipulate our ability to reason and think clearly by implementing what at first manifests as a nearly impossible to see verbal onslaught aimed at breaking us down. As time passes it becomes more frequent and more cruel in nature, and the mental manipulation begins; once they have brought us to a place where we question what our intuition is telling us, they are free to step up their attacks by either using horrific levels of verbal and emotional violence, by adding another method, or by combining the increase of emotional abuse with another tactic. Why? Because they know that if they did these things out of order, that if they punched us in the face when we first began seeing them or they stole our debit card, for example, we wouldn’t stay.
Financial abuse wasn’t the second or even the third type of abuse used against me. This was round four and was only unleashed upon me after the verbal / emotional, physical, and sexual abuse had collectively taken a toll on me where I had nowhere to go. This is where all these things I listed above come into play, and some are obvious while others you may see as being entirely unrelated. Abusers attack first your self-esteem, because they need to take the fight out of, they need to strip you of your worth so that you will forget you deserve better, that someone else would want you, because they need you to stay. Because they want that power and control.
Once they have attacked your self-esteem and shattered it at your feet, they being to attack your sanity by employing what is called gas lighting (yes, named after the movie Gas Light) – making you think you are losing your mind. So you begin to question and doubt whether or not this treatment of you is really wrong. You begin to believe it is your fault and begin to chase after the illusion that if you could just fix yourself, it would stop. All the while, many of us mistakenly believe that we can change their behavior, that by staying we are showing faith in them. Part of the emotional abuse is being isolated from family and friends. The abuser forbids you to call or take calls, or communicate with them in any way. In the meantime, the abuser constantly belittles them and tells you all these reasons why they do not love you. Generally, we are led to believe that they have abandoned us. Why? Because they need to separate us from those who would help us if we asked. Abusers are not blind or foolish. Anything standing in the way of their power and control of you has to go: family, friends, school, work – nothing is safe.
They also recognize the need to instill fear as a means to help keep you under their control. While they never need to cross over into the next method of abuse to make you feel a very real fear for your life, it is generally not uncommon for the abuse to turn physical at this point. Why? Because at this point, who is going to stop them? You with your destroyed self-esteem? The family and friends you have been cut off from? How about the people he/she has lied to about you behind your back? They test it out first with an explosion of violence followed by a period of calm. Why? To see how you will react. If you stay they know they have you caught in the cycle and are free to continue their behavior as it spirals out of control.
By the time financial abuse was added to the dynamics of the abusive relationship I survived (by the end I had been put through all seven types), I was trapped in a mess I saw no way out of. You see, there are added pieces to the puzzle that not all of you know. And I am quite sure that one of the first questions that was asked was why I didn’t have him charged when he overdrew my account each time, all the times he beat me to get my money, etc. Recall in that list was “stacking friends in the right places.” While he proved to be a horrible husband (not to me), a horrible father (I didn’t have children with him), a horrible sibling and child (he used his family), and a bad employee, he was very conscientious at working with the authorities as an informant. He has ties to at least nine agencies in four states… that I know of so far. Every time he gets in up to his neck, he calls on one (or more than one) of them to bail him out, whether it’s with money or legal assistance. And they help him. I know, on paper this sort of thing doesn’t happen. I assure you in real life, though, it does. And I am a product of it.
When you see drug agencies in another county getting him out of trouble for an incident at my father’s involving my stepmother and an argument turned physical and a AUO (for those of you who don’t know, this is aggravated unlicensed operator AKA, driving without a license) because letters were written by officers in the agency AND the DA and the prosecutor says to the court “I’ve never seen anything like this!” and doesn’t contest the recommendation in the letters to let him go… When you see the judge state the record will be erased if he doesn’t get in trouble for six months (meaning he doesn’t get caught), and he is let go, you start to wonder how the scales are balanced. After time and time again, he has been free of charges from AUOs, driving without insurance, having a phony inspection sticker on the car, a phony emergency call, and numerous other charges, you see the pattern. Even taking into account the week before I left when the car was impounded. He was pulled over for failure to stop at a stop sign (bad clutch he wouldn’t fix) and subsequently ticketed for AUO, no insurance, suspended registration, bad muffler and or running the stop sign. There were drugs and paraphernalia in the car at the time. They even found someone else’s license plate he was planning to put on the car. Know how he got out of it? He signed up to be an informant for that department as well. The message to the rest of us: our safety is expendable in exchange for the hope of that “big bust.” I had no reason to believe that if I reported any of the instances of violence perpetrated against me that the same thing wouldn’t have happened in my case as well. Especially not since two of the towns we lived where the violence occurred, he was also signed up with the drug agencies there as an informant.
Add this to being cut off from my family and friends, denied access to the vehicle, and no money to go anywhere (where would I go anyway?), I was trapped.
So what does this have to do with my current financial state? Everything. When I finally left, I had to flee my residence with nothing. I didn’t even have the car, because it had been impounded the week before. He emptied out my account the day before on a drug binge. Because he controlled everything and did not work outside the house, I was unable to get any of my financial documents out of the house. Because the bank would not allow me to contest his overdrawing my accounts and I could not pay back the money, I am still unable to have an account. I had to pay fines and fees to reinstate my driving privileges. I had back taxes going back to 2010 (now paid off) and debts back to 2009 either entirely incurred because of him or that went unpaid, resulting in closed accounts, penalties, and fines, and defaulted student loans. Not that I am able to afford living back on my own yet, I am sure the four evictions on record will now be a hindrance. Many places are hesitant to rent to victims and survivors of abuse. I cannot get loans. I cannot afford to take vacation. I cannot do so many of the things I need and want to do for myself, and the cause of it is walking around free like he did nothing wrong. And he will do it again. There are few tools in place to actually help us remedy this, as we are left with the burden of cleaning up the mess. This will take years for me to clean up and move past. Yet all you will see when look at the numbers is your assumption of me. An assumption that is entirely false, an assumption that places the burden of the stigma on my shoulders. All for a mess I didn’t create.
wow – this is very deep and informative, that requires to read few time to learn about the elements you’ve mentioned in your post!
Sorry, my posts sometimes tend to be long. I try to keep them about half as long as this one turned out, but doing so meant a lot got left out. If it takes me a while to reply comments, please don’t think I’m ignoring you. I have my comments set up for approval before they show up. Once someone has commented a few times, I usually just approve and reply when my schedule permits. I was sick this weekend, so I basically posted and logged off. Hope your weekend went well.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. So much about what you wrote about reminds me of my ex. I praise God that I got out before he totally broke me. God bless you!
Ah well, can’t change what’s happened. I do need to work on maintaining positivity in this respect, because it makes me angry when I think about it. While I never had perfect credit, I had a good score and I was careful with my money. And all that effort has been destroyed by… him. I wonder sometimes what the total damage is that he has left behind. I am sure it’s a disgusting amount. All I can do now is go forward. ❤
Amen… I pray that God will bring total restoration to you and to all who have suffered these abuses at the hands of others. God bless you Sweet Marie!
Oh boy can I relate! OMG this whole post I was nodding my head and thinking, yep that is exactly what happened to me too. My mom had given me money to fly to see my son for my birthday (before she disowned me because of the N) The morning I was to fly out he refused to drive me until I gave him every dime I had and I still missed the flight. I started to cry and he consoled me and paid the extra for the next flight out (out of MY money)
He sabotaged my vehicles so I couldn’t work. I hid money behind pictures, taped under tables, but he would know I must have money and refuse to buy groceries.
We also got evicted, we also slept in the vehicle in Walmart parking lot.
No insurance on vehicles, he stole all my ID.
I borrowed from everyone I knew trying to get my truck running and he had it so messed up it never ran right.
He also lied to everyone and had his sister believing I laid on the couch doing drugs, drinking, smoking and eating donuts all day and he just could not make enough money to keep me happy. He showed her his financial records to prove it. She came to me pissed and I showed her my records and she stayed with us saw with her own eyes that I was not lying. Thank God because she was my sanity, I had no one by that time.
It has been 4 years and I now have a bank account again, but I can not get any utilities, or credit anywhere. The first year after I left him I put every dime I made into paying the shops that gave me credit to repair my truck and to pay off my exs step dad because he lent me money to fix my truck. I spent over $10,000 to fix my truck and it was still not running when I left.
But he tells everyone he put $10,000 into it and I bled him dry.
If my truck wasn’t running I wasn’t making money, and he would badger me for days on end about money he said I owed him. I knew I didn’t owe him but he was relentless until I paid him, I would get punched in the head and then go out to work in my uninsured truck. I got caught and fined. I owed the insurance company $5000 and couldn’t get insurance but he was driving a car in my name and they would not take my name off of it without the plates. It was in my name but the cops told me if I went to get it they would charge me with theft, possession is 9/10 of the law.
He was driving transport trucks without a valid drivers license and my car without insurance and my hands were tied. Until I reported him to the DL office and that got him fired so he went on a vendetta for revenge.
Two heart attacks due to the stress for over 10 years means I can’t do what I used to and right now I am working to try and get funding to reeducate.
But the financial issues have held me back in so many ways. It is hard to feel confident when you don’t know how you are going to survive day to day. To ask for help is so demeaning and there is no help from the government. No body can live on welfare. I don’t want handouts either, just a hand up.
I was a home owner with a flawless credit rating for 20 years and like you said, they only look at the bad stuff and never ask “what happened?” some doesn’t just become irresponsible overnight after always paying their bills for over 20 years.
Anyway, I empathize and totally understand what you are going through. I hope things get better for you soon. Have you thought of putting a Donate button on your blog? It seems just when I am at my breaking point some generous angel will donate $50 or even $20. it all adds up.
And I don’t know how many hits you get per month but if it is I think 20,000 you can put Wordads on your blog. It is only about $90 a month for my blog but its $90 more than I had before.
Good Luck 🙂 Hugs
Well, I truly believe all our abusers are related… being that they must be seeds of the devil. So disgusting what they put others through and have the nerve to go on like they didn’t do anything. I’m sorry that you understand how all this feels. People who haven’t been abused probably don’t understand but the thought someone else identifies kills me. I don’t want anyone to understand, even though on the other hand, I do.
Carrie, There is no justice. I’m even reluctant to go for divorce because even though I kept him for 6 years with my money, he will have every last penny. The hard part to me is the courts seem to support the perpetrator of a terrible crime and don’t acknowledge the victims suffering – they even cause more suffering. I didn’t know you’ve had heart attacks. It’s amazing how strong you are and have had to be. We can’t let these wospos evil beings grind us down.
Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
Very good post by Sweetmarie about financial abuse and how debilitating it is and how it hold the victim back from healing. AND the lack of understanding from society and friends and family. Unfortunately most victims are left in financial ruin on top of all the other abuse they have suffered.
I also had to give my ex-husband most of my assets in order to secure the divorce and even my own family said, “So what? Just start over again.”
Why is that okay? It seems to me that people will make excuses for any kind of abuse as long as they can avoid facing it.
And it does take more than a paying job to recover. I had to leave so many documents behind: tax returns, bank statements, identification.
From your story, I think the worst part is that because your abuser used the system to protect himself from prosecution, he is a real threat to women and children everywhere. I can tell you that I wouldn’t get released from driving without a license or insurance, etc. Shame on those cops. Don’t they have sisters and daughters?
Unfortunately, they won’t get it… the only way is if it happened to them. They have no concept of how urgent financial stability is to be able to live an even partially decent life. I think they also misunderstand that being wiped to zero and being plunged into the negatives are entirely different things. You may struggle when you lost enough but can still meet your current obligations. After a while you can catch up. But, if you are forced to leave the home, if you have to give up the bigger share of the assets to someone when you leave, and you have debts… it will take years to even get back to barely making it. It’s not so much of a recovery at this point as it is a frantic rush to stop the bleeding from every last inch of you. And add to it the financial documents… you are then put at risk of having your identity stolen and things fraudulently opened in your name that you are going to have to put out more resources you don’t have to hold them accountable. If anything is even done about it.
My ex is an example of a worst case scenario. I just got out before he finished the job. Unfortunately I fear that the next one he traps might not make it out alive. This is what keeps me thinking about at the very least filing a report so there is documented history on file. It might not save her but it might help nail him to the wall. In NY I have up to 3 years for an assault but it’s hard knowing others’ safety depends on what I do and don’t do every day of my life. I was already awarded the stay away order in family court but that expired in January of this year. The judge offered him that he didn’t have to admit guilt if he didn’t contest the order, and of course being the type he is, he took it. The story just gets worse as it goes. It’s so sad, because I have guessed that he’s been doing this to people about 20 years or so, and I’m the first one that ever even showed up to court to get an order. He was shocked when he saw me.
I feel for you. ((cyberhugs))
In the midst of making a safe escape, financial troubles seem minor. Once the dust started to settle for me, came the clean up. I was also the sole wage earner, and carried all of the family insurance, as well as paid all the bills. I had to keep paying the premium for my abuser’s health insurance and car insurance (though he was driving my vehicle and refused to return it to me). On top of that, he went through three attorneys, demanding all sorts of things that ended up costing me a good part of a year’s salary. I was blessed to have family to lean on…When it looked like it would drag on toward the end, I moved in with my parents, as the end seemed to never come. I hope that those who read your words will gain more understanding of the effects of financial abuse.💜
Well, I actually tried to wait it out for an opportunity where I could keep everything in tact, but it wasn’t worth the price I’d have to pay, because it would have meant dying. I didn’t have to worry about insuring him, because when I left, I was temping and couldn’t afford their insurance. I didn’t want to move in with family because I felt I was putting them at risk, but when I found out there wasn’t a shelter in my county and the ones in surrounding counties were full, I pretty much had no choice. I gave myself a year to get back on my feet, but now having to face so much reality I fear I might have at least another year before I can move out. It’s that bad, and all I want is to be on my own again. I am a grown woman. I don’t want to be living like this, but at this point, I have no choice. People tell me to be thankful, and I am, but it’s different when you’re in that situation. So I am good at tuning it out now. Plus if they are in front of me talking, all I have to do is turn off the hearing aid. Selective hearing! Oooops….
This is an amazing article. Thanks for sharing it. It’s yet another case of the victim suffering at the hands of the authorities even after the escape. The evil perpetrator is free to reoffend and no help or compensation for the victim.
They have no qualms about putting us through the motions and giving us false hope that something will come of it, but eventually you learn how the system works, and it is NOT geared toward helping us in the manner we truly need. Thank you for your comment.
Your post has so much insight into the dynamics of abusive relationship. People who have never experienced this kind of relationship have no idea of all the elements that make up the story i.e. the emotional and verbal abuse at the beginning and the escalation into physical, sexual and financial abuse. People who don’t know have no right to judge because they simply have no clue what bravery, what strength and determination it takes to leave and stay away. Well done for your great courage and I am sure that with your determined spirit you will reach a point when you are able to afford the things you deserve. I have been living apart from my abusive husband for 7 months now and I have to catch myself everytime I have a weak moment and believe that he could change or things could be different. I am fighting the tendency I have to give people second and third chances.
True they have no right to judge, but that doesn’t quite seem to stop them. Somehow they think with their lack of personal experience, they have it all figured out. I learned early on to not shoulder their criticism and judgment of me and the situation I am in. When they try to pile the stigma on, I give it back and tell them to put it where it belongs.
By the time I left, because the man who had abused me had put me through so much horrible stuff because of the life he lives, I absolutely despised him. there was no emotional pull back for me. I just had to wait for the window of opportunity, and when it came, I fled. What is important to remember is not to get down on yourself when you catch yourself missing the “good times,” but never forget the truth behind who he is. It doesn’t make you a bad person to struggle with this. It’s an indicator of your being able to forgive or try to find the good in him. But never ever forget that when he was being abusive to you…. this is when he showed you who he really is. When you feel that pull, remind yourself or something bad he did to you and remember that it was deliberate. He does not deserve your second chance, and you deserve life. Stay strong. It will get easier, I promise.
With love and support,
Amy
Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum..
I wish I could find you on fb. I need to talk to someone very badly
Can you send me an email? I’m still very protective with my profiles because I’m still wary of my ex lurking. It’s been under two years. If you’re in immediate danger, you need to call the police. Are you safe?
Wow, you described it so well. I don’t know what I could possibly add. Hang in there friend!
I’m sure you could think of something 🙂