12 comments on “Update on Things to Come

  1. I am crying as I type this, I started crying 1/2 way through your post. I am so happy you have reached this point. You have been through so much more abuse than I or many victims have endured but I can still relate to what you write so many times. After all, broken is broken , some break easier than others, it doesn’t mean that they recovery is easier or more difficult.
    I understand totally when you say you wouldn’t change a thing from the past because it brought you here.
    Even though my life is in ruins financially (from my ex trying to destroy me in every way possible) and I have to move in two weeks and until yesterday didn’t know where I was going to move to; I have never been more at peace. I have never had such inner peace or loved myself more but at the same time I have more compassion for others. It seems that no matter how bad things get in my life I just don’t get down from it, I know I will survive anything. I know I am enough, I don’t pack any shame, or embarrassment or hatred either.

    Having my blog and helping others has been the greatest gift, I used to worry I never learn my purpose for being here. I now know and I know if I leave the world tomorrow I made the world a better place for being here, and that is a huge gift.

    To be called strong and have people say they admire my strength amazes me because for 2 years I woke up every day and said “I can’t do this one more day” after 700 days I realized I was doing it, day by day, sometimes hour by hour and he didn’t destroy me. None of us know how strong we are until we are faced with the challenge. It wouldn’t be a challenge if we knew we could do it, it wouldn’t be a growth experience if we knew we could do it. people who judge others and say, “I would have ….. done this or that” don’t know. No one knows how they would survive things they have never experienced.

    My life is going through some changes in the next 2 weeks, I turn 57 April 5th; and I am excited about the future, most of it is out of my control but I can’t wait to see how it all turns out. it will only be another door opening and then where that leads who knows. But I’m not afraid of the future and that is because I survived the past.

    I wish all victims could reach this place of acceptance of themselves and gratitude for life and all the beauty around them. it does take work to get here, it takes facing a lot of demons, taking an honest look at ourselves but it is so worth it. I am so happy you are there. You have come so far since I first found your blog. YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN! but you know that.:)

    Love and hugs
    Carrie

    • It’s strange how we never seem to view ourselves quite the way others do. I still carry a fault I’m trying to rid myself of: self-criticism. You say I’m an amazing woman, but if I were to use that word to describe myself using that word, it would come out something like this: I am a woman who survived something unimaginably devastating, a woman who now has the amazing gift of being able to show others that there is always hope and that their stories, scars and all, matter and can help someone. I have no qualms about accepting my strength. Really, if I look back over the past 6 years and 8 months at everything I have survived, worked through, and achieved – more than a lifetime worth of emotional suffering – how can I see myself as anything but?

      I worry at times that other survivors (and even some who are still being abused) may minimize what they experience(d) during abuse because it may not be as physically violent as what I endured. I have told so many people that had I been given a choice between the physical violence and the emotional torture I endured, I would have rather been brought to the edge of death every day I was trapped with him than to ever have to live one day suffering through his mouth and the evil things he would do in an attempt to illicit compliance. While being in fear of my life was horrible in its own right, the slow, emotional death I suffered was a torment I hope I never have to go through again. The verbal and emotional abuse does something so hateful to us in a way that no amount of physical torture can. Your confidence waivers, flounders, then drowns. The things you once loved about yourself evaporate as though they were figments of your imagination. Your sense of self bends and warps and yields to the mold you are forced in. You can have no hopes. You can have no dreams. You become empty, of no consequence, and you can hate yourself and carry despair on your tired, bending, cracking shoulders day in and day out. Until the weight of it forces you to floor and pins you down in the darkness. To become emotionally dead is the worst feeling of all.

      With the exception of more severe cases (people being set on fire, acid attacks, disfigurement, paralysis, and death), I don’t see what I went through as being any less or any more severe than someone else’s story. We are all hurt by someone we loved. Violated. Threatened. Security stripped away. Cut off from those we love. We suffered and somehow survived. That’s what matters. For anyone to minimize the abuse they endured because “it wasn’t as bad” as what I went through hurts, because in some ways it’s like saying their lives, their worth, their safety means less than mine, and that is never true. On some levels, though, we each tend to minimize our experiences, partially because it became a normal part of our lives. With the exception of a few particularly traumatic events, I can recite things that happened to me with no more emotion than I had been reading a grocery list, which I find disturbing. If I were to hear these same things from another survivor, I would be moved to tears and long to be able to somehow remove the hurt from them.

      Survivors in so many ways are blessed, fortunate people. Our strength might have been revealed to us under horrific circumstances, but once we find it, going forward into the unknown, even when we have no plan and can’t see how we are going to solve any of our problems, can never match the fear we faced trapped in our “known” lives with the abuser. People often ask me if I’m nervous or fearful about this or that. Anxiety and PTSD aside, my usual answer is “If I survived him, I can get through this.” I am glad you now know where you are going to be living, even though I know inside it would have worked out for you and you would be okay no matter what. Just remember nothing can be as bad for you as it once was. And if it ever is, the rest of us are here. And to be a part of THAT, my dear friend, is amazing.

  2. Oh yes, it’s true. I love seeing my children alive and well. In the middle of reading this I brought Candyland to them, just for joy. They had never had any board game until we were free.
    I look forward to reading your profiles!

    • I know things would have been better for you had you not been subjected to your suffering, but I am glad for you that you and your children can find joy in things now. They don’t have to be major things to be of value. Being to play a game and laugh without worrying about what was going to happen later. I’m sure for you, being able to give them this joy made your heart happy. I hope you enjoyed your weekend. 🙂

  3. i love this post. i think you grow stronger and stronger with each and every day. i’m so happy to have been able to see how you’ve grown — and how you’ve helped others grow in the process.

    it takes so much to learn to love ourselves. you’re an inspiration to those of us working towards it.

    • You have been there from almost the very beginning. I was in a horrible place then. I remember for the longest time, every time someone followed my blog or my views on a certain post jumped, I would become paralyzed with fear. When my followers started commenting and interacting I always scrutinized their words searching for phrases he used a lot… It was disgusting to live that way. In some ways I am light years away from him and other ways not so much. But being able to come to love yourself after being so low is no small achievement. You’ve been a blessing to me through it all, including the times you served as my objectivity because I was out of my mind in PTSD mode. And being able to watch you grow – both as a woman and as a wonderful mother to that adorable boy of yours – is part of why I have been able to come this far. This is what we do for each other… we help each other heal, even when that isn’t the motive behind it. That is what makes it the best. Love you 🙂

      • god I can relate to that feeling so much! there are certain things I don’t write because I worry that he’s watching. I never wanted to seem too sad or upset because I didn’t want him to feel any sense of satisfaction. to this day, it’s so disturbing, but we are slowly but surely moving onwards and upwards!

        love you more!

  4. I always leave your posts feeling joyful, no matter the pain and darkness you have been describing. I am so glad you have learned to value and embrace your own vulnerabilities — and that you are able to share your voice with us now.
    Best, alice

    • Hi Alice,

      It took me a while to reach the point where I was comfortable enough (even with my insecurity and worrying about what would happen if he found my blog), but I feel if I am going to be of use to anyone, I can’t truly be a source of hope or encouragement or support if I’m not entirely honest about how the abuse affects me. It’s important for other survivors to know that their struggling with anxiety, depression, PTSD, panic attacks, and lapses in confidence, etc., are not unique to them, that it’s normal, but also that it does get better as time goes on. Coming to terms with that vulnerability was certainly a struggle but my voice cannot be authentic or helpful to others without it.

      Thank you for your comment as always.

      • I’ve found flat honesty to be crucial in making the writing I do about abuse as helpful as possible to *myself* as well. As I suspect you’d agree. 🙂

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