5 comments on “A Reconciliation of Damage: Accounting for Abuse (A General Ledger of a Different Kind) **Trigger Warning**

  1. I hate to say it but I think most people will read a list like this and say to themselves, “Yeah that’s horrible but it would never happen to me”, “no man would ever dare hit me.” “I would leave the first time he laid a hand on me”. They simply cannot understand. Sadly, the victim is abused over and over again by even the most well-meaning people. I remember after I left James a guy said, “Why didn’t you leave?” I said, “I did” He was like, “Well I mean sooner, he didn’t have you chained up did he? You must have liked it or you would have left.”
    You can’t fix stupid. But this was a great effort, I hope it opens some eyes. Slowly but surely, one by one, we will raise awareness.

    • Maybe we can’t fix ignorance, but in my view, even if it means one person thinks twice, if one survivor gets compassion, it’s worth it. I don’t have trouble standing up and (kindly) correcting people who say these things, but that isn’t the case for all of us. For some it’s way too early and for others, there is too much doubt or they don’t feel comfortable. I think the only way it could really fail is when those of us who do have that confidence opt to remain silence. I’d rather put it out there than not.

      And if they don’t want to listen the first time, I have no trouble repeating. 🙂

  2. So many of the results listed above really fit me. It is a much more thorough listing than I have actually ever found almost anywhere. Even “so called” experts do not know the total ramifications sometimes..

    • So many erroneously assume that the impact of domestic violence is simple and easy to fix – mainly by leaving the abuser. The abuse is so poisonous that there is very little in our lives it does not touch. Actually reading over this list, I see a few more that could be added: being forced to use drugs by the abuser (objective being control by threatening to tell the family), forcing the victim to steal, etc, creating a record (objective to discredit their story of abuse). A thorough list is so difficult to compile, because there are so many ways the abuse impacts us. I’m sure there may be a few you have that do not appear on my list.

      The funny thing about a lot of experts (not all) is that their expertise is gained through books and classroom environments. While they address the main points, they are lacking firsthand experience and I feel that prohibits them from seeing the entire picture. There are several on the list that I did not experience, but I can unfortunately say that I am personally acquainted with the majority of them.

      I am sorry that you, too, are familiar with many of them, but I feel that seeing this list can help each of us become enabled to better understand our struggles and help others to do the same. The more empowered we become, the better we can heal. And the more we can help others be aware of signs and impacts of abuse so they, too, can better help those they love.

      Thank you for your comment!

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