Covert Abuse

For those of you who may not have visibly noticeable signs of abuse manifesting in your relationship but you feel something is wrong, don’t be so dismissive of that intuition. It’s trying to alert you that something may be amiss. Abuse DOES NOT have to be physical and sexual to count as abuse. It comes in many forms: verbal and emotional (includes gas lighting), physical, sexual, financial, spiritual, and digital abuse / stalking. Do not allow blanket definitions of what constitutes domestic violence to influence you into convincing yourself that you’re “just seeing things.” Before dismissing that gut feeling, look into it. Find a location you can safely research this if needed. Connect to and interact with others who are open about the abuse they experienced. Many of us may not be degreed professionals but we are perhaps, more qualified to spot abusive behaviors – particularly the most subtle of them – because we ourselves have lived through it. We are here as a resource for you to establish and maintain open dialogue about abuse in a non-judgmental, supportive environment. In the end even if something isn’t indicative of abuse, you may have picked up on something that is wrong. And your right to be treated with respect, love, and kindness deserves more than being brushed aside dismissively.

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

I’ve never thought of my ex as abusive.

Then readers tell me they recognize their (very much abusive) spouses in my descriptions of my ex.

And I wonder.

I read a story in the paper about a domestic murder in the county where my ex and I lived and I always half expect to see his name.

And I wonder.

Then I discover that security procedures were altered at my old school during my divorce.

And I wonder.

He certainly was never overtly abusive. There were no strikes or shoves and never any threat of physical harm. He never belittled or yelled or uttered lines designed to wound. I was not discouraged from seeing friends or enjoying excursions without him. He didn’t exhibit excess jealousy and always demonstrated respect. He was the same man in public with me as he was behind closed doors – attentive, affectionate, loving. I never…

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