16 comments on “Forced Sleep Deprivation in Abuse

  1. I really do feel for you. I wish I could take away your bad experiences and pain.
    I can’t believe you got away 2 years, 10 months and 1 day ago: I got away 2 years, 7 months and 2 days ago. We were going through hell at the same time.
    Love and hugs my friend. x

    • Hi my sister. I still can’t believe we left 3 months apart and at one point were in the same general region up here. If I had known that and I had known you I would have busted in the door SWAT style and removed you from that destructive monster myself. I’m sure people saw plenty but turned away when you were trying to reach out, just as it happened to me. And I know part of you blames yourself if the little one has any residual effects from what you endured, but you did the best you could, and you need to know that you will always be amazing for that in my eyes. ❤

      • So close, yet so far. Yet we end up knowing each other after the fact, with an ocean between us. If we had know each other, I’m sure we would have taken the leap together. I know you would have helped, as would I, despite my condition.
        No doubt people did see, but his favourite line was (in pity mode), “I’m a veteran”. I hated that.
        Thank you for your kind words my lovely sister. Max’s nightmares have slowed a little. I am so thankful.
        And don’t forget – I think you’re amazing too. xx

  2. I understand, completely. The shame is not yours to bear, I hope it lessens for you. Surviving is not humiliating, I hope you can view your survival as a triumph against many odds. I was also not allowed to sleep. The short term memory issues may improve, do not despair. I went to doctor after doctor for this and all of them declared me okay, but under stress I do poorly. I have found that the more time I take for myself, doing what I want to do that makes me happy, the better my memory. I hope it is stress related like that for you, too. I have anniversary times where my memory is horrible. My whole family suffers at anniversary time, as we all remember together, whether we voice it or not. Taking propanolol keeps my heart at an even keep, and as it never accelerates, panic never wakes me anymore. Thank you for continuing to share. It means so much to me.

    • I think so much of my issues are caused by two main things. One, I still live in the same area, work at the same place, etc., so I have to repeatedly go past all these places with horrible memories. I can’t get away from them, and while some people would say I should be desensitized by now, I am not. All it does it bring up things I do not want to remember. I can’t get away from the places, I can’t get away from the people, several of which are still triggers. Two, I can’t sleep like I should. I really thought by now, since it’s been almost three years, that it would have lessened some. Apparently, I am wrong. The loss of sleep I am sure is not only behind the short term memory loss (really why can’t it make me forget the garbage I would really rather not remember) but also my crashed metabolism, difficulty losing weight, and the fact that I am now pre-diabetic. It’s so frustrating. I really do not struggle with shame except the one big thing that I admittedly would remind other survivors wasn’t their fault, but for some reason won’t extend that to myself. It isn’t my fault he lied about being married, he did that so the blame is on him, but thinking about how the previous women before me affected his wife – and they knew – just bothers me. Whether or not I knew, all she feels is more pain an betrayal, and that is what bothers me.

      Thank you for your comments. I’m sorry that you and your family still struggle with all this damage and trauma. We tend to forget it’s ok to struggle through these things until someone else who is as well reminds us. I hope you all are able to keep moving forward in your healing. If I could, I would take it off all of you and bear it myself.

      With love and support,
      Amy

      • The problem I had with my sleep was panic. My heartrate would go up and I would awake and be having a panic attack. I hope that you are talking to a doctor about this. I took a supplement for a few months early this year that affected my adrenals, an herbal supplement with GABA in it. Not something that can be taken long term, but it did a lot to calm me and I think it has had some lasting effect on my adrenals, as I am calmer overall and sleep better since then. I hope you don’t give up, keep looking for what works for you.
        My ex was cheating on me, in a big way, and I knew. I figured it out and I could have been justified in leaving right then but I did not. I stayed and I waited and I hoped that it would all work out and the only one who was doing the fooling was me, fooling myself. I knew. I knew for a long time and the reason I ended the relationship was because of abuse, not cheating. I was sorry for his mistress, the last one, because she had no idea he had a family, and he hit her much harder than he hit me.
        Take good care of your body. Your mind cannot heal without the body’s health.
        Try to get out of town when you can!
        You have a lovely sentiment, to take our pain, but instead let’s all share the burden and carry each other, which is what your support is doing. Lifting the burden of others, by sharing.
        Love, always.

        • I started waking from nightmares over the past several months in the middle of a full blown panic attack, and at first I had no idea what was happening. It’s terrifying to wake up and feel like you’re going to die, sweating, not able to breath, tight chest, and incoherent mind racing. After a few times I saw the pattern… and that pattern was dreaming about him, but not the dreams where he actually carried out abuse. The worst waking attacks were from dreams where I was ducking and dodging and trying to hide from him.. whether it was him walking into the house unannounced or him jumping from room to room and me trying to hide my phone so he didn’t see it was on silent and trying to keep him from seeing if any texts came through… the worst attacks are from built up from anticipatory anxiety from expectation of physical punishment but not happening. It’s horrible how that stress follows us. Now that I know what’s happening, I just go for one of my coping techniques, and in that case where it’s that severe, I stick in my iPod and jump on the bike. If it still doesn’t stop I scroll through my twitter feed or read or play a game on my tablet.

          In general, I never sleep more than 30 minutes at a time, but I’m not surprised by this. For over four years when he would go into depriving me of sleep mode, he would let me sleep a half hour then wake me by punching me in the back of the head. It isn’t uncommon for me to wake up with a blinding headache because I dreamed about him waking me up that way.

          I tend to avoid medication meant to even out brain chemistry. I do not react to it well at all, and for me the symptoms of that are far worse than what I’m dealing with now. Even my doctors are hesitant, and my medical file has several notations about types of medications I’ve been on and my reaction to them. I’m happy for others when they are able to get relief from medication, but at this point throwing my brain into that chaos I feel will only disrupt what balance there is, and I couldn’t guarantee at this point the result would be anything but horrifying.

          I was able to take my first vacation out of state a few months back, and in this time, I learned that my issues I have now are directly related to my environment. If I were to do anything, it would be to move. I probably should have when I first left, but he took everything else. He ruined everything else. And since he moved here, I didn’t feel that I should let him chase me out of my life, too. Looking back it was stubborn. I didn’t want him to win, but at what cost was I trying to keep that from happening? There are still places I don’t feel safe, I run into his drug people all time, including dealers he use to threaten to have rape me, and I go past all these places these horrible things happened on a regular basis. Not to mention the run-ins with him. I absolutely do not feel safe, and this is where all the problems lie. When I was out of the area, I slept every night like a normal person would. I didn’t look over my shoulder, I didn’t avoid places, and I didn’t have to worry about running into him. I was fine until the last two nights where I started having panic attacks again, and nightmares, and not sleeping. So my dear friend, I think I am going to have to move. The issue with this, is the financial abuse has taken me out of commission. Everything comes back to money, and I am getting so tired of this. So staying right now is a burden I have to carry.

          All we can do for each other is share and lessen the burden, but I promise you if it was in my power, I would take it from everyone. I have struggled with depression for years before I ever met my ex, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that no matter how dark it got, and how deep that pit become, I always make it through. So I would shoulder it all if it meant that no one else had to. And that’s just the way I’ve always been.

          With love and support,
          Amy

          • Have you tried contacting a DV organization regarding relocation? I was relocated by the state’s victim compensation fund. Keep your eyes open for programs that can help, sometimes there is a program you would never dream existed, just waiting for your application.
            To clarify, I can’t mess around with brain chemistry drugs, either. The one I take is for blood pressure and it works like a charm for panic, because the heart rate never accelerates.
            I hope you can find a way to get away and feel safe. I don’t think I would feel as well as I do if I were in the same state as my ex. I am truly sorry.
            Much love and hugs

    • Believe it or not, I forgot to add the trigger alert to the post prior to publishing so I rushed in and stuck it in. I always try to warn others so they can decide that day whether or not reading is worth the risk of triggering themselves. I always ignore trigger alerts and read/watch anyway. I’m not really sure why, perhaps I’m a sin-eater of a different kind. I guess instead of saying “sin” in this instance, I would have to come up with something that doesn’t imply blame on the victim/survivor – most likely “stigma” or “trauma.” As for being strong enough to tell it… yes, but also, I told him once if I ever got away alive I’d tell everyone what he was and what he did.

  3. oh my sweet Amy. My heart bleeds for you when hearing about all this. You are one of the strongest women that I know. I am so proud that you are able to speak up and use these terrible experiences to help others. You are my sister. My thoughts, prayers, and love is with you always

    • I told him once if I ever got away from him alive I would tell everyone what he was and what he did. He dared me. All I can say, a promise is a promise. 🙂 If he didn’t realize by old profiles I had before he ruined my life, I’m not very quiet about people being wronged and mistreated. He should have seen this coming. True story. Some things might be hard for me to talk about yet, and I might sometimes worry he finds it, but I guess if he was worried about people finding out what he was, he would make a different choice. I’m okay, but you never know who out there is too ashamed to share something that they went through. I think revealing to others you found out your abuser was married is something they are too ashamed to talk about. It’s only when we see others revealing similar circumstances that we get the courage to do the same. Then we can begin to heal from them and realize that the shame doesn’t belong to us, that we did the best we could just trying to live through that nightmare. Takes a huge load off. XoXo Hope you’re doing okay there. I worry about you, woman.

      • I agree-its hard to understand and accept that the shame is not ours-especially when society victim blames all the time.
        I am ok-got my final restraining order and yay, in NJ its FOREVER!!! I have no phone right now as my stalker figured out a way to get someone (an ex-coworker) to give him my number and then I (once again) accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet. Ill drop a text when I get a new phone! lol

        • Permanent – NY doesn’t really do that. I guess they think it’s better to subject my life to mortal danger before taking the initiative to put something in place for me to just use to hold him accountable. But I mean why do that? Guess my life is expendable. I’m am so glad to hear this, because I worry about you with that devil running around. While I am not shocked he’d manipulate someone to giving him your number, part of me cannot believe he’d be so stupid, because wasn’t he just locked up? I mean….. You and the toilet, girl! My number hasn’t changed so let me know when you have another phone lol XOXO

          • I know my toilet loves my cell phone!!! I am lucky about the permanent order not that in the end I feel like it will matter all that much bc as we all know there is not stopping crazy…. Miss u love I’ll text u as soon as I can

            • Oh my dear, there is no stopping crazy, and I know you’re going to need that order to rack up violations, and the second it happens I want you to call and report every last one. Take care of yourself and the little ones first above all (even though I know I don’t have to tell you this). ❤

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