4 comments on “Shock and Awe: The Reality of the Dynamics of Abuse

  1. thank you.
    thank you so much.
    for writing this.
    it helps Me understand why i didnt “just leave” .
    because this is true, this is really how it is, my life.
    my situation is made even more difficult with the negative & ignorant opinions of others.
    i am greatful that they Just Dont Know. first hand. like me

    • Hi cp – I am sorry to hear you identify with this, because I would never wish this knowledge on another human being. However, I do hope that the understanding you gained helped ease some of the isolation you may have struggled with. I wrote it talking to those people you mention specifically, those who judge, mock, criticize, and blame when they have absolutely no idea what they’re even talking about. That makes it even more bitter for me. You know, I have to thank you for reading and posting a comment. I hadn’t thought about this post in a long time, so when I saw the notification come through, I went back to the post and re-read it. There were even some good reminders for me about how those others act and respond to my abuse and me sharing my story. It’s never okay to be treated like that by people who have no rights to have opinions you can really only honestly form if you’ve lived it. We each probably have a hundred reasons why we couldn’t “just leave.” The conditioning and manipulation is at the heart of it all. Abuse dynamics are very complex, and no one thing can really exist in isolation. Every individual dynamic feeds into and exacerbates the impact of all the others. Mental traps are just as real as physical traps, perhaps even harder to break free from.

  2. I just left my abusive husband of 25 years. He was not abusive until I became pregnant with our first child. We were young and he said to have an abortion. I refused. He started being very mean when he drank. I was very isolated from my family and friends. I did work, but only because he didn’t want to. 39 weeks into my pregnancy, I didn’t feel any movement from the baby. I went to the doctor and got the terrible news that they couldn’t hear a heartbeat. I was admitted to the hospital immediately and they started my labor…which didn’t happen for 5 days. I had a dead baby in me for 5 days and I was 18 years old. The day I buried my precious baby girl, he got drunk with his friends. In bed that night, he accused me of sleeping with his best friend. I was so depressed about my baby girl, I didn’t respond. His jealousy got so bad after that. I worked in a convenience store and he.would hang out there my entire shift. And give me dirty looks when he felt I was flirty or someone was flirty with me. A few months later, I became pregnant again, and had another beautiful baby girl. Then the real abuse started. Physical abuse, pusing, hair pulling, dragging me around the.house, rarely hitting me, but definitely abusing me. He came home one night and punched me, I ran. I ended up at my mom’s, and she called the police. He went to jail, and I went back that same day. I wanted to keep my little family together…and that was the first time he ever actually hit me. I could tell abuse stories all day, but fast forward 21 years, we have a 13 year old son by now and a 21 year old daughter. Accusations were daily, I kept running away for a day or 2, and going back. In the last month I was there, yes, I got out, he had choked me, pushed me, dumped a drink over my head, masterbated while I was awake in bed, yelling and namecalling nearly everyday. He would snatch my phone and go through it, sometimes keeping it for days. That’s when I started planning, I stopped my check from going to direct deposit, my mom has a luxury camper, which I was ready to live in. I am currently at my mom’s, I left 18 days ago, and to tell the truth, I don’t miss him one bit. I’m so grateful that I got out, besides the damage I was suffering, my poor son and daughter, got front row seats. If anyone outs8de the family was present, he never acted crazy, but the second he got me alone, the emotional torture began, who are you f*ucking? Just tell me and I will leave you. To the end when he loaded a shotgun and stuck it in his mouth and said, confess or I will blow my head off. Well, that’s a dilemma, because I have never cheated on this man. So I chose to stuck to my honest story..he says you selfish f*cking bitch, you would let me.blow my head off to save your ass. That day, was the day I knew I had to get out of there, and quickly. The day I left, was the day I was reborn. I will forever be grateful to God for giving me the strength to get out, before it was too late.

    • Hello, Michelle, I am sorry about the horrific things you’ve had to endure and the memories and emotional damage that comes with it. 25 years is long time to endure the incessant stress and abuse, and I am so happy (and relieved) that you were able to leave. Thank you for sharing your story with me and those who follow me. Although I was not married to my abuser, and we did not have children, my ex used similar tactics with me. Unfortunately, it is common for abuse to begin after a pregnancy has been announced – was he verbally and emotionally abusive before this, or did he wait until you were pregnant? Many abusers assume that once a pregnancy is involved that they have you trapped. I know several survivors who had similar experiences, and I always in awe of your strength and courage. Bless you, and I wish you the best as your new life unfolds – a life filled with happiness, peace, and love.

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