13 comments on “A Once Gaping Wound That’s Finally Healed – A College Girl Resurrected

    • Thank you! Even with all the emotional confusion underneath, I’m so excited I can’t even put it into words. Isn’t it so wonderful that after so much bad we can come out and rebuild something so awesome within ourselves? Congratulations on returning to school – that’s great news! What are you going to be studying? 🙂

        • That’s a very good course of study you can do a lot with. 🙂 I modified my original degree from Japanese Studies to International Business major/ Japanese language minor – then I had to change it again because schools don’t seem to offer Japanese online much. UGH. At least for me, I have enough knowledge I can do my own independent study in the language.

    • Thank you, my friend. It’s been in the works for a few weeks now – I tinker and toy and mess with things and decided to just put it out there today on my lunch 🙂 It’s way overdue!

      • It’s s cathartic process. I hope that with each telling it gets easier & fills you with more strength. You are amazing!

  1. Nearly every single post you put out there captures perfectly what it felt like. I could skip the talk therapy part of my sessions and put your posts in front of my therapist so she knows how it was for me. I wish I could. Thank you for, once again, reminding me that someone else has been there- that I am not alone. I am so happy you are going back to school. I want to do it, too, but always feel as if I have not the time. I am cheering for you!

    • I think you would need the talking part of therapy because it really helps you gain complete understanding of what you went through, how it affects you, and ways you can move forward. If you ever read something that you feel like you couldn’t describe before and want to print it off to show your therapist, I have no issues with that at all. I think as time goes on, you will be able to more aptly describe how you feel and things you struggle with. As with so much of what we as survivors of trauma deal with, being able to put words to the pain and chaos in a way that really speaks on how you feel takes time. I’m sure people have that same connection when they read your posts, but we can often be “blind” of that ourselves. You probably wouldn’t know it with all the words I use (LOL) but there are still times when I struggle to put the chaos into words. And sometimes no matter how you search, there can never truly be enough words or even the right words to speak on your battles.

      Maybe you cannot work school into the mix yet – but maybe one day you will. I think for now you should focus more on healing and continuing to work forward. Adding school could be a huge burden or be a trigger for you if you’re not ready to take it on, so it’s always best to wait until you feel you not only have time but that you are also mentally and emotionally ready to handle the extra work involved.

  2. This one hit home for me as well…The things that I’ve lost due to my abusive husband: my career, friends, earning my Masters degree, taking any other form of classes for my own personal development, my journals and poetry, my books, art, an extensive music collection, and so much more. So many missed opportunities, and such lack of self expression. It is as if seeing me grow or delight in something is some kind of threat to him. But honestly being alive physically is not worth much without those people and things that make your soul feel alive. I know that now and even the little things that I’ve managed to reintroduce in my life are so fulfilling.

    Wishing you the best with your studies. I am sure you will do well!

    • I think we really only come to understand how profound those “smaller” things are to our happiness and contentment – and even to having our own identity – until they are taken away from us. Their lack in my life really hurt so much more than all the physical abuse I endured, and being in a position where I can do something so simple as playing Japanese music, reading, and studying without having to stash the evidence in places he couldn’t figure out where they were (and that became impossible) is absolutely amazing. But you know in some ways, getting all that back can be overwhelming and scary at the same time, because now I know how important it is to my happiness, I remember how miserable I was without it, and I find myself worrying sometimes that I could have to go through that again. So I’m controlling over things I do. I tend to be stubborn and very guarded with things others can’t even possibly understand to why.

      Once someone has taken away or destroyed all your outlets of self-expression and fulfillment, even if you have perfect health, what point is there to live? You are no longer yourself but a tortured, suffering, empty extension of the abuser. So re-introducing those things back into your life can have PROFOUND impacts on your state of mind.

      And you are right – because abusers want you to be empty of all ability to think and do for yourself. They don’t allow it, because all these things that help you grow in knowledge and understanding, all these things that keep you logic alive also feeds your objectivity and desire/need to make your own decisions. They can’t very well gain complete control over someone who still has positive, healthy input coming in. It becomes necessary to not only cut you off from the most tangible threats to their control (family, friends, career, education) but also all the things that touch our souls and give us joy. Without all these protections, they are able to empty us of every last drop of self-love and worth, all hope, and fill us with garbage until it overflows.

      Make every effort you can to reintroduce things into your life that brings you joy – just please be safe when you do. It might incite a reaction from him that could put you in danger, because anything that could loosen control over you is an immediate threat to him.

      Thank you for your comment! Sending love and support,
      Amy

    • Hi Juanita.. it does get easier, and in the beginning I couldn’t see that. It’s been over three years since I left, and some days I catch myself still thinking about “how hard” things are – then I have to remind myself how far I’ve come. Going back to school was a huge thing for me to make happen.

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