14 comments on “Push and Pull: Living with Two of Me in My Head [PTSD]

  1. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
    This is how I have felt with the N. I have often compared watching a person who can’t give up the N to watching them on the train track with the train barreling down on them and you are screaming to get off the tracks but they can’t hear you over the sound of the train.
    I just realized that this is about an inner battle but I related it to the battles with JC and his desire to destroy and my frantic battle to hang on.

  2. That was so powerful, Amy…and surely very difficult to reveal. As the comments above show, many of us relate to fighting some inner demon that insists on dragging us back to the edge in ever more creative (insidious?) ways! Additionally, as Carrie’s comments point out, some of the imagery may evoke struggles a few experience(d) in real life battles with those bent on controlling the reader’s lives and breaking their will so they’ll submit. Either way, I know this post will give others courage to fight back!

    • Nothing is more difficult than keeping it in. There are a few things I liked about this post…. which, might I add, insisted on coming out instead of what I was trying to write. In the past I would have fought it because I am stubborn, but I have learned with this to just let it happen, because when I am ready to get around to it in the future, the thought will be lost. It really comes out like a deluge and I am powerless to stop it. One, it is deliberately something open to personal interpretation. When you are someone who has been traumatized much in the way survivors of domestic abuse have been, so many battles we have begin to feel like the above. It isn’t a singular battle. It’s enduring physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual abuse. Fighting against a controlling, manipulative narcissist. The victim blaming and being failed by the system. The single parents who are forced to maintain some kind of contact with the abuser because the courts force visitation with the abusive parent. After we leave, it can be fighting trust issues, financial trouble, self-esteem, PTSD, triggers, and so many other things…

      The important thing I have learned from this particular battle is that is not so much the fight that should be my main focus. It is those periods in between when I have been able to subdue it and bring it back under control. Successfully overcoming another attack. After a while, you begin to realize the strength that must be there to continue fighting even though you know it’s going to happen again. You don’t know when, you don’t know where, you don’t even know how powerful of an ambush it’s going to be. It’s never at a time or place that it is convenient, and it is exhausting. Still, I persist to the end of each episode, because I have learned that it will come. The harder the episode is, the more I must fight. But I will overcome. And I cherish that peace in between.

    • Ah thank you 🙂 I am working a long day the past several days and most likely this entire week, because it is the end of the fiscal month, and I am in accounts payable land. If not tonight after work, I will by Friday I promise 🙂 I am so behind…. you have no idea how many nominations I have. Humbling.

  3. I am utterly flabbergasted with your words, and how you totally nailed it 100%….so sad that I can so relate to every word and emotion felt. Thank you for sharing, and God be with us all…

    • I think instead of sadness, you should make it a goal to do two things: one, feel comfort that someone else knows so you don’t have to carry it alone, and two, take it into your heart and remind yourself that while you may have this tiresome struggle, identifying do closely also tells you that somehow you always get through, no matter his fast and hard the hits come, no matter how heavy the burden is, you always overcome. Even if it was something in your past….. this demonstrates your steadfast strength and courage. We who battle this, even when we feel weak, are not weak at all.

      God has been there for me even when all else was lost. He carried me until I could walk on my own.

      Thank you for your comment.

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